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Comma

Submitted by gregwa8 on Tue, 2018-10-09 22:24

time goes on,
but I might as well be
in a coma,
stuck
in the comma
of life's sentence

it is tragic
when a writer
is so blocked
she can't finish
her beloved
character's story

when sunrise
brings no new
inspiration,
sunset
no critical
resolution

how much more
lamentable,
a real life?

the reason why
writers write:

to help us
make the most
of time,

to empathize
with those
who can't
or for whatever reason
won't

move onto
their own
most glorious

beginning
middle and
endings

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Rula

Wed, 2018-10-10 02:09

Rula's picture
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I also liked playing with the words coma, comma
Good one!

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gregwa8

Wed, 2018-10-10 03:11

gregwa8's picture

thanks, rula!

author comment

Eumolpus

Wed, 2018-10-10 12:22

Eumolpus's picture

Hi Greg, please allow me to suggest something and I'll explain in the followup:

when sunrise
brings no new
inspiration,
sunset
no critical
resolution

how much more
lamentable,
a real life?

the reason why
writers write:

to help us
make the most
of time,

to empathize
with those
who can't
or for whatever reason
won't

move onto
their own
most glorious

beginning
middle and
endings

That is very powerful to me, and waking up as I continue in a 3-month recuperation from a surgery on my ankle (sports injury) and in a funk, particularly meaningful. It says a lot about our mission to write,
and I think is a very strong and complete poem.

I disagree with comma/coma. To me it's contrived and forced and doesn't work in context to the poem. Too "cute". I also feel the tragedy of "she" not able to finish her novel is not engaging. Then the magic starts. I would change the title, and hold on tight to the poem as one of your finest, to be reviewed ever time you get in a funk. My take.

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

gregwa8

Wed, 2018-10-10 15:59

gregwa8's picture

thanks for the suggestions, eumolpus. i'm glad some of it spoke to you powerfully. the coma/comma metaphor is actually my favorite part of the poem, and plays into the rest of the poem, which is about writing. i'm glad it helped you in your funk, as it did me. (and i hope you recover well with your ankle!)
greg

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