Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Oh Those Babies! (A Villanelle)
Ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes
evoke inside me the loveliest thought;
they unfurl a heart like a budding rose.
evoke inside me the loveliest thought;
they unfurl a heart like a budding rose.
Esoteric feelings that nobody knows
but moms; a secret love as they first spot
ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes.
but moms; a secret love as they first spot
ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes.
As soft skin scents naturally arose,
to speak of volumes that heroes got not
they unfurl a heart like a budding rose.
to speak of volumes that heroes got not
they unfurl a heart like a budding rose.
No piece of poetry, not even prose
has told in words- nor even a snapshot
ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes.
has told in words- nor even a snapshot
ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes.
Not only the toes, but also the nose
(inherited by forerunners, not taught),
they unfurl a heart like a budding rose.
(inherited by forerunners, not taught),
they unfurl a heart like a budding rose.
In my memory, pussiant are those
babies, despite their weakness, they have caught
me with ten tiny fingers, ten tiny toes
and unfurl a heart like a budding rose.
babies, despite their weakness, they have caught
me with ten tiny fingers, ten tiny toes
and unfurl a heart like a budding rose.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
I've seen the ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes five times in my life (My four sons and the alone princess. Thank God
Thank you dear Blistered-pen (JRS). Your villanelle inspired this very first attempt. (I know that I said I wrote one but discovered later that I didn't. :)
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
raj
Tue, 2018-08-28 14:05
nice one Rula
nice one Rula
.............................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Tue, 2018-08-28 14:10
Thank you
dear raj. Appreciate your kind ((short)) comment.
((smiles))
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Rula
Tue, 2018-08-28 14:10
Thank you
dear raj. Appreciate your kind ((short)) comment.
((smiles))
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
lovedly
Tue, 2018-08-28 15:36
so nice Rula
now I also know, what is three lines poetry... as this repetition at proper places
keep counting
ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes.
but factually fingers are 8 only
anyway thumbs up Rula
Rula
Tue, 2018-08-28 15:48
Thank you
Lovedly!
8 fingers?
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
lovedly
Tue, 2018-08-28 19:19
why the Qs mark?
two thumbs no!
Rula
Wed, 2018-08-29 02:16
Oh yes
Thank you!!
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
raj
Tue, 2018-08-28 16:24
Rula
I notice that your Villanelle as also some others are having a soft feel...is it a norm that Villanelle should be soft?
.............................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Wed, 2018-08-29 02:19
Hello raj
I haven't read many of them to tell the truth, but I think the form would work as well with any theme. Not to mention theheroic themes ones.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Rula
Wed, 2018-08-29 01:39
Hello Mark
Mmmmmm.. I don't like it either (the painting shot)
Do you think camera's shot would work better.
I am so limited with the rhyming words, but it's my problem.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
raj
Wed, 2018-08-29 06:08
one more suggestion
Snapshot?
.....................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Wed, 2018-08-29 12:33
Yes, I like it raj
Thank you! I used it with much appreciation, however I am
still not happy with some areas where I feel the rhyme is forced , but as a first attempt and so limited rhymes I think this one isn't bad.
Thank you dear raj!
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
raj
Wed, 2018-08-29 13:56
Not a big deal Rula
to make a suggestion....though rhyme is not my comfort zone can you say which of the word seems to you to be a forced rhyme?
............................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Wed, 2018-08-29 14:17
I'm
not happy with the 5th stanza. May be it's just me?
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
raj
Wed, 2018-08-29 14:28
Hi Rula
if I come up with some alternative I will suggest....in fact i am tempted to have a go at Villanelle and wondering if every line has to be either of 8 or 10 syllables or a combination of 8 and 10 syllable lines still conforms to the form...i realize that it's pretty tough since there is also a need to maintain aba rhyme sequence through and through....
...........................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Wed, 2018-08-29 15:21
either
8 or 10 through out.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
raj
Wed, 2018-08-29 16:02
Thanks for this input Rula
Thanks for this input Rula
........................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
raj
Wed, 2018-08-29 14:54
Rula
would this change work?
have a history that hasn't been taught,
follow history though not even taught, [or]
follow lineage that hasn't been taught [or]
inherited by offspring that isn't taught [or]
inherited by offspring never taught
.................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Wed, 2018-08-29 04:22
For the moment
Photo_shot works perfectly. But does it make sense as you read the stanza in full?
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Rula
Wed, 2018-08-29 04:50
Thank you Mark.
I shall edit as suggested.
Much appreciate your help!
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
raj
Wed, 2018-08-29 14:36
Rula
is the alternative a bit smoother?
but moms; a secret love as they first spot
for moms; a secret love, their maiden spot
.....................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
raj
Wed, 2018-08-29 15:15
Hi again Rula
I believe the third line could be shortened for aesthetic appeal
they have unfurled a heart that's almost close.
they've unfurled a heart that's pretty close [or]
they unfurl a heart like a buddy rose [or]
they unfurl my heart like a buddy rose [since you've used "me" in second line]
................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Wed, 2018-08-29 15:26
Let me think over
the suggestions. Much appreciate it.
Thank you so much.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Rula
Mon, 2018-09-03 09:22
Thank you raj
Much better I think after the edits. Please let me know if it reads better as I implemented what you've suggested.
Anyway, appreciate your help a bunch!
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
raj
Mon, 2018-09-03 14:25
Rula
certainly reads better....in L2S3 did you mean heroes? if so you have missed an e in it...
..............................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Thu, 2018-09-06 02:56
thank you dear raj
for the hawk eye. :)
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
raj
Thu, 2018-09-06 05:38
Should it be O or Oh in the
Should it be O or Oh in the title?...I am many a times confused with when it should be O and Oh..both being exclamations..
........................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Thu, 2018-09-06 08:24
I had to search
I didn't know if there is a difference
Here is what I found.... Interesting
http://grammarist.com/usage/o-oh/
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
raj
Thu, 2018-09-06 14:21
Hi Rula
thanks for providing the link...makes me wiser...
...........................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Tue, 2018-09-04 10:13
I agree with
you Mark. Budding is the write word here.
Edited.
Highly appreciated!
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
gregwa8
Wed, 2018-09-05 23:39
Very beautiful poem that,
Very beautiful poem that, like you said, only mothers can truly get. "Soft skin scents shall naturally arose" should probably be "soft skin scents naturally arose" as it would be grammatically correct to say "shall arise" and not "shall arose" since arose is in past tense and shall is in future tense. Just something I caught.
Rula
Thu, 2018-09-06 02:56
Of course
thank you for the heads up.
Appreciate your time. Happy to know that you like it greg.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=