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The Anatomy Of A Popped Balloon
objects of joy
litter the carpet
some that use batteries
some that move — enthusiastically
(with or without our help)
some to cuddle
some that make electronic noise
the sounds of childhood progress
the alphabet
for example
a MIDI soundtrack
eventually something will
burst
like a balloon
and that sound will be
as educational
as an episode
of Sesame Street
triggering tears
the feeling of loss
gifts taken
even surrounded by
things and people we love
cake perhaps
and celebration
we can mourn
goodness passing
a balloon
that was ours
an emblem of hope
deflated
on the floor
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
scribbler
Sat, 2018-09-01 16:39
Hi greg
Very nice. The metaphor of a moped ballon and loss of childhood innocence is a good one.......now it if only rhymed (just kidding- sort of).......stan
gregwa8
Mon, 2018-09-03 22:43
rhyming would work good with
rhyming would work good with this one. thanks for the read and comments, Stan
Shadowdancer3349
Sun, 2018-09-16 22:16
Greg
I am big on the title attracting the reader and this surely did that
at first blush it sounds like a dad's description of a child's celebration but on closer examination there is way more going on that that isn't there