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Soliloquies of a Demented Mind (Epilogue)
I'm in a fix:
My mind's rocking back and forth like the obverse of a clock's pendullum,
In reverse simple harmonic motion, anti-clockwise as I try in vain to curtail these torrid emotion,
This quicksand I'm sinking in,
I'm caught in a permanent paroxysm/ Enmeshed in a maelstrom of a vortex trying to suck me in,
Like a fisherman winding his rod backwards my mind is reeling,
I look foward to the future propheticaly;
while simultaneously I flashback into my past retrospectively,
I've been here before this is de ja vu,
You do not love me but still I love u,
Love has always been a poisoned chalice; an austere experience for me,
No matter how much or how hard I supplicate to Venus,
I guess when it comes to affections I am no genius,
Unreciprocated loves the most painful punishment the worst form of torture,
An end to all meriment for these unreflected overtures I nuture,
Cupid's arrow riddles my body,
I've been struck so much I wonder why I'm still breathing?
You leave me breathless...
My Faery Queen,
For you I am dying,
I am thine.
Comments
swamp-witch
Thu, 2014-05-01 14:34
Hello Zeus,
I really enjoyed this. The complex word choices and complex rhyme scheme keep a reader on their toes. I also think your imagery was refreshing even when you used common images associated with love, such as "I supplicate to Venus" and "Cupid's arrows riddles my body"
If I may, I have a few suggestions:
I would recommend shortening some of the longer lines by dividing them into two lines for easier readability. For the same reason, I would suggest omitting the forward slashes (/). Those are great when transcribing songs and poetry where you can't have a line break, but they are redundant otherwise. Another idea you might consider: try breaking the poem into two stanzas at "So save me:" so that your first and second stanza begin in a parallel way. Lastly, there are a few small grammar mistakes you might decide to revise:
Line 9: u --> you (this may be a stylistic choice, but your use is inconsistent, sometimes you wrote "u" and sometimes you wrote "you"
Line 15: arrows riddles --> arrows riddle (subject-verb agreement)
Line 27 and 43: coz --> because or 'cause (again, consistency)
Line 47: ther's --> there's
I hope these suggestions are helpful to you and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Critique, don't comment.
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Zeussirius
Sat, 2014-05-03 11:24
thank you very much, i will
thank you very much, i will do just that.
weirdelf
Thu, 2014-05-15 09:15
Your formatting and lack of stanzas sucks.
Try this"
I'm in a fix:
My mind's rocking back and forth like the obverse of a clock's pendullum
In reverse simple harmonic motion
anti-clockwise as I try in vain to curtail these torrid emotion
This quicksand I'm sinking in
I'm caught in a permanent paroxysm
Enmeshed in a maelstrom of a vortex trying to suck me in
Like a fisherman winding his rod backwards my mind is reeling
I look forward to the future prophetically; while simultaneously I flashback into my past retrospective'
I've been here before this is de ja vu
You do not love me but still I love u
Love has always been a poisoned chalice; an austere experience for me,
No matter how much or how hard I supplicate to Venus
I guess when it comes to affections I am no genius
Unreciprocated loves the most painful punishment the worst form of torture
An end to all merriment for these unreflected overtures I nurture
Cupid's arrows riddles my body,
I've been struck so much I wonder why I'm still breathing?
You leave me breathless...My Faery Queen
For you I am dying
I am thine
I do not want to worm my way into your affections; neither do I want to inveigle myself to your heart
So I chase after you onerously
But even if I win your love it would be a pyrrhic victory because I would have lost so much energy
And that's the worst part
And this poem is a message in a bottle cast atop the deep blue
I hope it reaches you; I hope it finds you
I hope it floats on your blood through veins and arteries and ventricles to your heart
I'm thinking of all the felicitous things I could say to make you mine
Coz this is Agape a love so divine
And I'm not speaking to this songs beat
I'm speaking to a heartbeat my heart beat
These emotions are true no histrionics or cloying or affectations
But without hesitation
You say I'm just a friend
Which makes me melancholic as I paint the sky with sighs,
Because I wanna be more than "eh he's just a friend"
I've been here before this is de ja vu
You do not love me but still I love you
Violets are blue;
And roses are red [fuck this cliche off]
From this point onwards I'm going 2 spit off the top of my dome straight from my head
Understand that without your love I'm worse off than dead
I'm a walking corpse
a walking corpse
So save me:
Save me from myself coz I am dwelling in a pit,
Wallowing in agony and mysery; and the only company I have is solitary
So there's no one to comfort me
Without your love I'm lost
Ther's no love lost
But without your love I'm lost
There's no love lost.
Just a suggestion.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Thu, 2014-07-03 12:09
let me add a little something more construcrive to that.
When a reader sees a "wall of words" they end to scan rather than read. That is the way poetry works, through verse and meter, as opposed to prose.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Zeussirius
Sat, 2014-07-05 10:26
Well, thank you both for your
Well, thank you both for your critique, i'll look into it and see how to make the poem clearerer.
lovedly
Sun, 2018-08-19 15:44
your poetry reminds me of sharemarketers contrariness
You do not love me
but still I love u
and
I look foward to the future
propheticaly;
while simultaneously
I flashback into my past
retrospectively,
I always suggest to greater poets humbly
limit your lines from 10 to14 max 19
else it is prose
not perfumed like a rose.
your poetry is a real reflection of one born on a 4th or Gemini
covers both aspects back and forth and opposites
I have become a fan of yours friend
hope you too will accept
amen
freestyle guy
Zeussirius
Sun, 2018-08-19 16:12
Thank you.
Thank you sir lovedly, I am grateful for your advise n the encouraging words.
Zeussirius
Thu, 2020-02-27 05:30
I was actually born on the
I was actually born on the 27th of October. And thank you I accept your friendship.