Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

An ending.

There is an honesty that brings
There is a stained window,
Where looking on a perfect valley
You can find the world, slow
Where rain begins.

You can find there, your worn body
That faces a day
And in some strangeness
You realize, that you are the prey.

I hear the way that people’s brains work out
But the cat of ingestion,
Left me in doubt
Tolerance to life is a certain thing,
But what symbiosis,
What paralytic thought
Could create such a craze?

I, here, may not be able
To write clear,
Too much longer, but
Am grateful for all who read,
Before I disappear.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Thank you, to everyone who read my stuff, Cheers. CH
Editing stage: 

Comments

your poems have a unique flavor ...like this one which says a lot in so few verses...
.........................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Welcome back. The poems suggests a severe inner turmoil you are going through, some dark night of the soul. It is apocalyptic. I'm not sure I totally "understand" it but it does convey poetic truth.

On the techinical side, I would drop the first line which drifts into nowhere, and start the poem with the second line, dropping the comma. also drop the comma after "clear" in the final stanza.

The idea that in some perfect valley, where rain begins, is where you can find yourself and in a moment of self seeking you realize you are "the prey". That is a very intense image. It goes back to our deepest instinct, being both human and animal. The next stanza, the most critical in the poem, offers us an image of total paradox- "the cat of ingestion". It is abstract, difficult to absorb...it is followed by "Tolerance to life is a certain thing," which to me has the suggestion of an apology to suicide. And then the final stanza confirms this sense of lost hope, this sense of finality, that you are falling and will disappear into a dark space...
Whatever you are going through, whatever has prompted you to reach this lowpoint is unkown. I only know from the body of your work in the past you are deeply connected to the passion of poetry.
I wish I could be by your side, holding you like raft on the stormy water. There is too much exuberance in this life, whether taking the side of hunter or prey. Do not go gentle...you have too much to give in the new beginnings. SELAH!

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I relate, we get old and see it
coming, slowly. It's a somber
ride for sure.
In your third stanza // what
paralytic // Is there a word
missing, seems a thought was
maybe implied but left out?

Thank you for sharing.

Richard (themoonman)

"What paralytic thought"

In a strange place when written, but then, I think that's nothing new for a lot of us. I could tweak this a bit.

Thanks Moonman!

Cheers.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

Wow! I really love your theme, your layout of your poem, all your descriptions. It creates a vivid image. The one thing I would critique is he line about the 'cat of ingestion'. It kind of comes out of no where, and doesn't connect to any other lines. All in all though, I really enjoyed reading your poem.

All the best and happy writing,
Bookdragon

And I know from that Elysian freight
She will brave but once more the Atlantic weather,
When dory and fisherman sail by fate
To seek for the Happy Isles together.
-Robert Frost

This comes from a short story called the "The yellow cat dream" - very obscure, read when young, and I don;t think you can find it on the internet. More or less, a story of a cat the helps kids get rid of nightmares by gobbling them up like mice. A short explanation would have been useful, I realise this. However, I shan't do any more revision apart from the word "thought" - and let this one be given to a day of experience.

Cheers.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.