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Youth
In the rambling of feathers
Feelings tremble.
In the movements of your faith,
We backstep toward a frame.
We are the sky
We are the moon
We try for you.
Drifting forward we offer
Sparkling glycerol
Constant for your taste,
Brimful for your day.
Weak and immune
The dreams dissolve.
Wavering we stare.
We are the sky
We are the moon
We appear for you.
Thread dyed fragments
Unravel waste,
Welcoming the very same.
Doubt fully blooms
Among all the truths.
Youths eternal monsoon
Looms for you.
We are the sky
We are the moon
We replay for you.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage:
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Comments
raj
Sun, 2018-07-15 05:29
Hi Layune
I liked the language as well as the rhythm and pace of your poem. A poem of this nature could do well with something written in "Last few words" to bring more comprehension....I did not understand the relevance of "sparkling glycerol"...has it anything to do with some kind of drug? ...frankly I am not familiar with those hence asking..
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raj (sublime_ocean)