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Syntax Sample Poem [Critique Workshop]

anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn’t he danced his did.

Women and men (both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn’t they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed (but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone’s any was all to her

someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then)they
said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
with by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men (both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
Last few words: 
This is a sample poem by a famous poet. If you know the poet, please keep it to yourself so we can focus on the syntax. Please critique syntax only: word choice, spelling, spacing, punctuation, capitalization, grammar. Don’t comment on imagery, rhyme, meter, literary devices, content, theme or other features of the poem.
Editing stage: 

Comments

that defines an artist. The connection is immediate, be it Bach or Charlie Parker, Vermeer or Picasso, or this poet who was one of our most original and creative. Of course, I know the poem well, it is always among the several poems included in every anthology of modern poetry. It is one of his masterpieces. To comment on it would require several pages of an essay.
The only thing I can say is that the poem stands alone, and all attempts to imitate it all sound and feel like what they are, contrived imitations. This poet owns his landscape, like all great poets. It's perfect.
Not sure what else to say...other than it was written in another time, and is as modern today as it was then.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I debated with myself a long time about whether I would use famous poets, poems from other "normal" poets or if I would write some for the purpose of the shop.

Writing some felt like too much work and using some from other regular folks who volunteered their work worried me. I would be concerned that folks would be too hesitant to critique if they knew there was a currently-living, average person on the other side of the poem.

I think that is a major hang-up for many folks, fear of offending the poet. So the only viable solution I could see left was taking poems from the past.

Although, I do wish you could say something constructive. "It's perfect" doesn't help others learn about critique, and I know you give wonderful constructive feedback. But at the same time, it would be unfair of me to expect you to be a model for a workshop that you aren't hosting!

Thank you for being here, nonetheless, and for reading and commenting.
Kelsey

Critique, don't comment.

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author comment

"fear of offending the poet" ? then why be a critique?
..................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

They don't! That's the point. That's why my critique workshops have always been about showing people how to critique without being offensive. Yet, we can never control the poet's reaction. We can be as nice and fair as possible and some folks will still be offended.

But I hope that my workshops work both ways: showing those who want to critique how to do so and showing poets that it isn't so bad after all when receiving critique.

Kelsey

Critique, don't comment.

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author comment

Good work. You have pointed out the "interconnectedness" of it all! The the word choices here have totally affected the logic for you (and me too). No one feature just stands alone. We can try to look at or talk about individual features, but usually the reason we take notice of something is because it's affected something else. Great observations.

And still you've managed to write a whole, thorough paragraph about one thing. Some folks barely write a whole sentence for the whole poem! I hope your example is encouraging to others to give a little more when they can.

Thank you,
Kelsey

Critique, don't comment.

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author comment

My offering on syntax, which excludes imagery, rhyme, meter, literary devices, content, theme or other features of the poem.

a poem like this would have better cadence if it is punctuated

doesn't "little or small" mean same...use of small appears to be a forced rhyme

throughout the poem only W in Women is capitalized at least I couldn't figure out why

there needs to be a space between no and one or else it should be none
.........................................................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Grood point about punctuation. I was hoping for some too. I didn't even think about the "little or small" point you've made. Do you think it would have felt forced if it wasn't also redundant? 
 
For example, if the line just read:
 
Women and men (both small)
 
Would it still feel forced to you?
 
Again, a great example of how features of a poem are intertwined. Maybe if those word choices weren't seemingly purposefully redundant, "small" wouldn't sound so forced. Yet, the word choice/syntax affected the rhyme.
 
Thank you,
Kelsey

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author comment

Women and men (both small)

Would it still feel forced to you?

my comment was only w.r.t. syntax ..context with preceding line and sub text also is important
........................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

but it is different for every reader.

Kelsey

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author comment

My ups and then downs, where we swing around, yet stay as a rhythm to the ticking metronome.
Loved this piece it made one think, though thought evaded me.
A fun of a write about a tax I was not sure of, but paid each day.
It is the way and we followed the words, no matter how absurd yet the seasons drifted in .. LOL

Serious, I loved it no matter what the reason for the write.
Yours as always, Ian . x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Thank you for the lovely words. It is not my poem, though. :)

Hope you are well,
Kelsey

Critique, don't comment.

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author comment

Not having read very much poetry when drifting through life, I would have had to cheat a lot to find this one.
I knew it wasn't your sort of write but good to study, and fun to read.
We are mostly OK here thanks just drifted off writing and commenting for a while, May an now June are not good for memories, and the older we get the worse some months become but we know that the lost ones go to a lovely place..
You take care and keep on teaching especially the young ones.
Love as always, Yours Ian .. xx

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

how many years now have we been friends?
And all that time I have been saying to you and everyone else, if you want to improve as a poet you need to read other people's poetry.
I know you do here on Neopoet, more than almost anyone else for which I applaud you, but I mean the greats. You are not too old, grand old man not of letters, to grow and not stagnate.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Jess, you are as a brother, I hear what you say, I have many poetry books here, also brand new story books I would love to read but last year or early this year I found I began reading the same Paragraph several times.
An author I love to read and cant get into the book, I have 3 and a half books first editions o read.
Also the oxford set on Poetry, and Byron's complete works. Remember I did get you that Pratchet book a few years ago but it is just one of those things.
I cannot understand writers block but I have readers Block must be the same sort of thing
Today we went to a Japanese Garden about 40 miles from here it is like walking into a heaven for the energy was very high. I wrote a piece for the Japanese owner and he loved it, he is a Buddhist, he gave me one of his writes I will sort that tomorrow and maybe send you a copy.
Sometimes the Masters run through this mind of mine but as you know I just write.
I have written a few things in true form then resort to my old ways.
I still love you Bru and honour your knowledge, I will try to be better, Yours as always Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

here is a copy of the poem the Buddhist man gave me, he has been tending his Japanese garden for Forty years:-

Perfect weather

Sitting in the summer garden
Inner energy and outer climate,
are one seamless passion

My body and nature world
are one perfect harmony.
Self and universe are one pure unity

Perfect Weather
Sitting in the garden
Being one wholeness.

I love the summer
Everything beautiful
Creation wonder
Human life Miracle.

Maitreya

Buddhamaitreya.co.uk

A great web site with all the info on where we went the other day and about the Buddhist that lives there, his work is beautiful and I guess that you would love to be able to walk there no matter what you outside says ,.. Love you Bro as always Ian ..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

In the poem the author does not seem to care about syntax or logical construction, which makes it difficult to discern syntax. I find the poem far too experimental for the task assigned.

The modifier makes little sense to me. A pretty how town?
(with up so floating many bells down) seems nonsensical
Danced feels strange. Example (he danced is good syntax - but with didn’t, it seems it should be, didn’t he dance) didn’t he danced his did.???

In stanza two a comma after anyone and after isn’t. would give it more sense.

Stanza three and four I can put into perspective is ok.

I wish I could decipher that (with up so floating many bells down)

There are two periods in the poem with a capital letter following, but sense the first word is not capitalized I must assume it is a run on from a previous sentence which the author does not share with us.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

Great response. I chose this poem precisely for its experimental and complicated syntax. You have given a clear, detailed, critique, so it doesn't seem like it was too experimental for the task! Maybe just experimental enough. *smiles* I feel like subtle use of syntax would not necessarily suit an example for practicing critique.

When the syntax is "in your face", everyone is sure to find at least one thing to critique, but a more subtle poem makes it too easy for people to say they "found nothing to critique". I hope you understand and don't mind this choice. Not all the poems in the workshop will be this experimental, but I wanted to choose something "obvious" for our first task.

Thank you for the great sample critique with concrete suggestions.
Kelsey

Critique, don't comment.

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author comment

I think it is very interesting that you describe the poet as "not caring" about the logic/syntax. Is an abstract/highly experimental poem or a poet trying to push the boundaries of poetry the same as not caring? Is there a line between experimental/abstract and nonsensical gibberish? If so, where is the line?

Not taking sides, because I obviously don't know the poet and am neutral to it (that's why I picked it), genuinely would like to know everyone's thoughts. Is this too abstract? Just right? Does anyone feel like they understand it or are moved by it?

Kelsey

Critique, don't comment.

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author comment

I don't think there is such a thing as "proper". I think I wrote about it in some of the extra optional workshop reading. I've come to believe that "proper" just serves to separate and demean people who are different, deeming them "improper" and that's ridiculous and not fair.

But this poem definitely goes over my head! Does that make it "improper". Nah! Maybe it speaks volumes to other readers, such as Eumo, and maybe the literal meaning of the words matters less than the feeling they get from them being put together. But I don't get a feeling from this one.

This is the kind of deep stuff I love to talk about!

Kelsey

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author comment

there absolutely are tons of variations! All dialects in a language are perfectly valid variations of word choice and grammar, for example.

The difference between the way children speak as they are learning their first language versus how they speak as adults are different syntax, for example. Children are not "wrong" when they are learning to speak, linguistically or developmentally.

The choice to use an oxford comma or not is another example. There are tons of variations that are all normal. It is totally not black and white! People who want you to believe it is black and white have an agenda to make themselves superior to others. Point blank!

Will share the readings and further academic discussion about this topic on the main page! It's become an important topic for me. It will be under this post: https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/great-big-all-inclusive-critique-workshop

Kelsey

Critique, don't comment.

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author comment

" Is an abstract/highly experimental poem or a poet trying to push the boundaries of poetry the same as not caring?" I never said the poet did not care about his craft, but certainly syntax and logical construction did not seem primary objectives; or perhaps that was the point, to go beyond both. Perhaps its my short coming, but in my opinion he went too far, as I could not find the trail of bread crumbs to get me out of the forest.

"Is there a line between experimental/abstract and nonsensical gibberish? If so, where is the line?"
I think the line is largely subjective. If a famous poet writes it, you will assume it has value and try to find that value. If an unknown person write the same it might be discarded out of hand as gibberish.

"Is this too abstract?" Yes

" Does anyone feel like they understand it or are moved by it?" As far as understanding I think I get the general drift; as far as being moved by it, not at all. I can be moved by a stunning picture, but am not moved by trying to construct a jigsaw puzzle of that picture.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

Please forgive me for the miscommunication. Your opening line of your critique was "In the poem the author does not seem to care about syntax or logical construction" which I phrased as "not caring about the syntax/logic". I didn't say "not caring about the craft". But "seems to not" and "does not" are certainly two different things so I exaggerated your statement.

We are on the same page.

Thank you again for the response. Some kind of bread crumbs are key for me too.
Kelsey

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author comment

Firstly I am surprised that the poet and poem are not immediately recognized. I think I was introduced to it it High School in an English class, and see it in virtually every anthology of modern American poetry. It was a poem that set a tone for a whole new age, like Picasso's Demoiselles Avignon or Stravinsky's Fire Bird did for art and music.

What the poem is "about" is easy- "Obla-de-obla-da life goes on" as the Beatles put it. The world had never seen a poem like this when it was written, playing with the language in a brand new way, not using traditional punctuation, and allowing the music of words do the work. It is safe to say that virtually none of the poems on this site, or any other modern poetry venue, would have existed as they do today had not this poem been published. It was one of the most important poems written in the 20th century, that set the stage for all the free forms and devises our poets use consciously or unconsciously. The whole world of word play was turned upside down as a result of this one poem. It is a poem of puns and using language to amuse and at the same time create paradox. Never had anyone written a line like "he sang his didn’t he danced his did." It both means nothing and everything at the same time. The poem is amazingly consistent, and just keeps finding new puns to play with.
I am personally very put off by abstract poetry, which to me is poetry with no core, no center of what you can say the poem is about (NOT what it "means"). This poem is not an abstract poem in that sense, it is expressionist. It has taken real language and re-invented it, changed the syntax of modern poetry forever. I strangely cannot address the "syntax" without connecting it to all the sounds and puns and inferences about life which are now part of me.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

thanks for the enlightening words to appreciate one of its kind poem what could truly be termed as critical appreciation ...
........................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

I'd rather have a third knee replaced than be forced to read this garbage again. Syntax errors? almost the entire poem is an error and you say a famous poet produced this .......THING? Is he/she famous for producing the opposite of poetry? The errors are so numerous my suggestion to the writer would be to "round file" this monstrosity and start over from scratch..........stan PS if this type shit is what it takes to become famous let me stay obscure.

duly noted.

I'm not at full capability to be able to fairly respond to your comment, but Jess may be able to. If not, I hope you'll find the next poem more acceptable when I am able to get the next portion put together.

Kelsey

Critique, don't comment.

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author comment

I fully expect Jess to try and tear me a new one and then try to convince me that this is actually poetry. I think a couple of chimps with type writers can do better than this........thing.It is pretty obvious at least to me that this poet wrote this to be purposely terrible.

If you only use it for farting it will be more useful than your critique.

One of the most important facets of Kelsey's approach with this workshop is to make critique both useful and friendly. Not saying something is wrong but suggesting how something might be different and why.

Sure, you never ever critique the way you did here however you are usually loathe to even suggest alternate word choices. (cluckcluckcluuuck). I'll continue this below so that it does not appear as a reply to you alone.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

in Mozart and also Stravinsky, in Vermeer and Paul Klee...the broader your appreciation the broader your own work will be. Starting with say Rimbaud, or around 1850, the concept of writing changed to be in line with the industrial revolution, the scientific revolution which continues today. I cannot explain to you how to you might address the modern in poetry, art, music. I feel sorry for you, MIniver Cheevy, as you were born in the wrong century, and realize there is probably no way in hell you would ever be open to comprehend what is great about this poem.
But all you have to do is look at the freedom of form and expression on this site, the way poems are presented by us living in the 21st century, and if you would take the time to read the history of poetry in our time, you would know that this poem set the stage for most of the styles of poetry written on this site, of which you are a respected member. Otherwise, everyone would be writing like you do, like Longfellow. Now he was a great poet. Why is it so many of us can appreciate a Longfellow poem and also this poem? Why won't you try? It is never too late to reinvent your aesthetic.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

So you are saying anybody can randomly put words together which don't even form prose and call it poetry just because it is so free? I'm not buying that.

It's great to hear you so angry, Stan. And admittedly Mark was a bit patronising.

The real issue is that nothing is wrong or right, only that it works.
You, Stan are a conservative by nature and that is your choice and includes a lot of great works.
However pushing the boundaries is such a necessity of creativity we often overlook it.
Shakespeare virtually invented a new language, he was reviled as often as admire for his radical, at the time, approach to language.

The language and form of your hero, Robert Frost, would have been completely unacceptable a few centuries earlier.

We are learning here how to really listen and offer alternatives, not to judge.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

true that this poem was put up here by Kelsey to serve the purpose for critiquing it's syntax...but now we have two perceptions of the poem

1. Eumolpus says it's a great poem by a famous author. If so, how can amateurs critique it
2. Stan feels this to be a very annoying writing and should not be classified as poetry

so, we are in a fix...lol..
...........................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

As a sample "poem" for a shop which requires critique this is a good choice because there is so much about this thing that NEEDS critique. So I'll post my version of how this thing Could have been written that by rewriting points out the many flaws in the original :
anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn’t he danced his did.

Women and men (both little and small)
cared for not anyone at all
they sowed their isn’ts they reaped their same
beneath the sun moon stars rain

children guessed (but only a few
and they forgot down as up they grew
through autumn winter spring summer)
none loved him, more or less

when by now and leaf by leaf
she laughed at his joy and shared his grief
as a bird in snow or stir within the still
everyone's any? the same to her

someone's married their everyone
laughed and cried and did their dance
slept, woke, hoped and then they
said their say, then slept their dream

stars, sun, moon, rain
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember

one day he died I guess
(and none stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried him side by side
little by little he passed into time

all by all in the earth deep
like many more he dreamed in his sleep
none and all earth by April's rain
The earth reclaimed its spawn again

Women and men (both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came.............I am sorry I can't bring myself to even try to make sense of this stanza
sun moon stars rain

Thank you for listening to Mark and Raj and Eumolpus. I am grateful that they were able to talk with you and that you've decided to try.

I'll go ahead and go back on my instructions since you've had such a strong reaction to this poem. It might benefit everyone to see what others before us have said about the poem and poet.

The poem is by ee cummings and since many of his poems were untitled, they were often simply called by their first line. Here are some excerpts of criticisms/critiques: http://www.english.illinois.edu/maps/poets/a_f/cummings/howtown.htm

Not to bombard y'all with my problems, but I'm on the verge of institutionalization for my anxiety and yet, here I am. So if we could please be civil and calm for the remainder of the workshop whether we like the poems I chose or not, it would help me a lot.

Literary devices portion of the shop should be up later today or tomorrow at the latest. I'm working on it now.

Thank you,
Kelsey

Critique, don't comment.

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author comment

Appreciate your patience Kelsey as too the way you are fighting it out to deal with whatever challenges you are dealing with on home & personal front...

be well..
...........................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

I hope you realize my outrage is directed at this "poem" not at you nor the way you are running this shop. I have read some of Cumming's works and can hardly believe this came from him. Perhaps he was trying to see just how bad a poem he could pen and still get away with calling it poetry lol. Now I'll shut up about this and put my learning hat back on.

of course. I know you would never direct feelings like that toward me. I intended this poem to be very easy/obvious to critique with how unorthodox it is. So I was caught quite off guard by how much you seem to despise it. I don't want you to have to feel like this workshop is going to be a chore of crappy poems that are only heralded as good because of the fame of the poet.

This is supposed to be an easy-going shop where anyone can pop in at any time and read at their leisure. That's all I wanted.

Looking forward to your rewrite if you still decide to give it a go. That's a perfectly good form of critique. It usually works really well as a demonstration when explaining in sentences just doesn't seem to get the message across. When rewriting poems for peers/in the workshop/on Neopoet, it's important that we talk with the poet and they understand we are not trying to take control over their poem. Of course, cummings is no longer with us, so it's no trouble at all.

Kelsey

Critique, don't comment.

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author comment

the rewrite is above. And you did an excellent job picking out a poem that needs work lol.......stan

Not to be distressed on our account ,poetry needs a little passion when discussed sometimes. But it’s a good subject and
Good for poets to engage in aesthetic debate
Take care of yourself and you have a community of poets...some old farts and some young studs who are your friend!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

think I'd go THAT far in critique lol...........................now where are the critiques on this "poem"?

There have been some good thoughts posted on this.

One of the most important facets of Kelsey's approach with this workshop is to make critique both useful and friendly. Not saying something is wrong but suggesting how something might be different and why.

Yes, the syntax of this poem is very unusual, even grammatically 'wrong' in places, but consider the sound, the musicality of the piece. Stan in particular I appreciated you trying to re-write, retaining the cadence and musicality, but you failed.

An aspect of using unusual forms and structure is a kind of wry, subtextual humour, which is probably one of the most common devices I use in my own poetry. By in effect saying you are not taking yourself too seriously your reader, paradoxically, tends to take you more seriously. It's the Importance Of Being Not Too Earnest, one of the most difficult things (next to meter) I try to impart to my oh so earnest and intense younger protegees. Consider TS Eliot's use of humour, you don't laugh at his poems but there are some very funny images and turns of phrase. "Do I dare to eat a peach?" John Lennon (his poetry not his lyrics), Roger McGough, Brian Peeten, Adrian Henri, all use strange syntax and spelling to 'disarm' the reader whilst delivering a deadly blow.

Another aspect of the unusual use of syntax in this poem is summed up in the definitive description of poetry as 'compression of meaning'. Consider-
(with up so floating many bells down)
would it be better as-
(many aspects of this town float up and away like little silver bells over time whilst hypocritically ignoring its many shameful secrets)
? I think not.

Poetic license gives us the freedom to fuck with language in order to enhance and compress meaning. If we don't conservatively knee-jerk react to what is 'wrong' the meaning is actually very clear.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Neopoet out of Facebook? Call it an idealist's position....but....

Feel free to ignore it but no, we will not leave Fascistbook. Feel free to ignore it.
Nothing pertinent to Neopoet will be posted there.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Mark Zuckerberg. I just sent you a message not intended for you. Sorry

isn't Cummings, the poem. it's, like, early pastiche Kerouac and someone else--Brion Gysin

This is a poem by Cummings around 1940 and is one of the most used to depict its form, sorry but that's how it is, Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Sometimes to be sure of assumptions. The poem is by Cummings and Kerouac would never write a poem like that as well. The poem was introduced to me in High school and is among the most published poems in modern poetry anthologies

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

or was copied that way..sorry.

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