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emotionally yours

emotionally yours
one feels the pangs
weighing from within
when sparks are thrown all about

it kills emotions of one from within
as sparks

a lightening fire brings

and then suffice it to say
ashes all the way
sparks die without and within

the poet was
they say
an emotional one

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

i see a few changes in this stanza:

it kills emotions of one from within
as sparks
a lightening fire bringS
and then suffice it to say
ashes all the way

sparks die without and within

the poet was
they say
an emotional one

I would add the "s" to bring, make the one line its own as it has enough weight, and omit "gone with the wind" as it is not only the line by Earnest Dawson but the reader will have immediate thought and distraction of the book/movie, one of the most seen movies of all time. The line might be replaced, or to me, I like the end as is...

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

your suggestions are great
gives life to the poem
amended it
thanks

author comment

Your poem intrigues me. I like the ironic twist at the end which converts the whole poem into an extended metaphor.

You said it all
Hope it was meaningful
I did not understand fully
Thanks for your maiden call
Do come again

author comment
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