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A simpler spring (April Contest)

Submitted by purple-hobbit on Sun, 2018-04-08 19:18

Those spring days where we lay in the grass.
Too old and progressive for picnic baskets,
The time of hunter and gathers renewed :
Our loot came straight from the shops.

With big Spring smiles,
we sat astride revision;
intent abandoned as we made daisy crowns,
pulling stems off strawberries.

We plucked grass absentmindedly,
our backs arched in laughter.
We looked stock-photo worthy
in the spring sun.

The laughter still continued
through the warm beads of rain.
With half-hearted attempts to cover books,
Before dancing amid droplets.

Dampened physically but not in spirits,
we leant on a giant oak
and watched in amicable silence
the unbothered birds.

And then those later days,
where I sat alone under that same oak;
content with my isolation
I flaunted the pages of its brothers slain.

I remember reading under that tree
For hours,
blocking out the sounds of birds
With my favourite song on repeat.

I let the wind ruffle my hair
and the sun stroke my face
with earth under my nails
I smiled content.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
For some reason, you can't click read more on the stream as it says my poem is not found :( hopefully it is still entered in the competition!
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
April Contest... "Spring"

Comments

raj

Mon, 2018-04-09 06:45

Your poem is a wonderful take on Spring and just like spring there are so many lovely lines..hard to pcik just one. For someone as young as you...your matured writing in this poem is worthy of appreciation where you have voted for spirit over age when it comes to enjoying spring time...

In my opinion you are a strong contender to win April contest...

Best wishes and enjoy Spring...

raj (sublime_ocean)

purple-hobbit

Mon, 2018-04-09 16:49

purple-hobbit's picture

This was a lovely comment to come home to and I'm glad you liked it! Thank you for taking the time to read it! :) perhaps the reminiscent tone has aged me when this spring was only 2 years ago for me :P

Not all those who wander are lost - JR Tolkien

- Tyjana :)

author comment

raj

Wed, 2018-04-11 16:17

Your saying "perhaps the reminiscent tone has aged me when this spring was only 2 years ago for me" makes me re think if my perception of your poem was right. I had perceived it to be about an aged couple who in spite of their limitations brought on by age were making best of the Spring due to their still young spirit....i now wonder if I was right...

anyways keep writing and honing your skills...I can sense you are talented...

Cheers!
..................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

purple-hobbit

Wed, 2018-04-11 18:26

purple-hobbit's picture

Not all those who wander are lost - JR Tolkien

- Tyjana :)

author comment

purple-hobbit

Wed, 2018-04-11 18:26

purple-hobbit's picture

Not all those who wander are lost - JR Tolkien

- Tyjana :)

author comment

purple-hobbit

Wed, 2018-04-11 18:26

purple-hobbit's picture

Not all those who wander are lost - JR Tolkien

- Tyjana :)

author comment

purple-hobbit

Wed, 2018-04-11 18:26

purple-hobbit's picture

Not all those who wander are lost - JR Tolkien

- Tyjana :)

author comment

purple-hobbit

Thu, 2018-04-12 03:58

purple-hobbit's picture

Sorry it wouldn't post my reply be a use it had an emoji in it ooops and I tried to post it quite a few times

Not all those who wander are lost - JR Tolkien

- Tyjana :)

author comment

purple-hobbit

Thu, 2018-04-12 03:57

purple-hobbit's picture

I like you're interpretation more than my initial intent :,) It was just a reflection of a couple of the few spring days I remember before I became to busy to appriciate it as much. I really like how you viewed it though!!! :) and thanks again!

Not all those who wander are lost - JR Tolkien

- Tyjana :)

author comment

lovedly

Tue, 2018-04-10 08:39

lovedly's picture

We looked stock-photo worthy
in the spring sun

except this portion to me it appears a bit sudden(abrupt)
you may consider ..
.and as Raj the stalwart on poetry above has already said

you would win
I also think

purple-hobbit

Tue, 2018-04-10 08:46

purple-hobbit's picture

Yes I agree that line seems a bit out of place but I have no clue what to replace it with :/ Thank you for taking the time to read it!!! And it's unlikley, I have a lot of competition ;

Not all those who wander are lost - JR Tolkien

- Tyjana :)

author comment

lovedly

Tue, 2018-04-10 10:50

lovedly's picture

a guy like me was also twice nominated
first time I was a bit out of context second time they gave me a special mention
As I am born never to ever be first
I just compose without showing my thirst

I am now off Competitions
those who read me here
now are minuscule few
So I devote time
reading all of you

purple-hobbit

Thu, 2018-04-26 14:53

purple-hobbit's picture

Well done for the special mention! It's a shame you don't do competitions anymore

Not all those who wander are lost - JR Tolkien

- Tyjana :)

author comment

purple-hobbit

Thu, 2018-04-26 14:53

purple-hobbit's picture

Well done for the special mention! It's a shame you don't do competitions anymore x

Not all those who wander are lost - JR Tolkien

- Tyjana :)

author comment

Sparrow

Wed, 2018-04-11 18:38

Sparrow's picture
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The line that is about a stock photo is fine, as long as the reader realises that a stock photo's are the ones we all take of a pair on a grass scene or of our favourite animal running around, and many more where the picture is a piece of memory for later..
Great write little Hobbit,
Yours as always, Grandy xx

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Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

purple-hobbit

Thu, 2018-04-26 14:55

purple-hobbit's picture

I sometimes forget you are not all milennials lol. I was hoping it would read as a perfect picture regardless of theor knowledge of the website :) thank you xxx

Not all those who wander are lost - JR Tolkien

- Tyjana :)

author comment

purple-hobbit

Thu, 2018-04-26 14:55

purple-hobbit's picture

I sometimes forget you are not all milennials lol. I was hoping it would read as a perfect picture regardless of knowledge of the website :) thank you xxx

Not all those who wander are lost - JR Tolkien

- Tyjana :)

author comment

Sparrow

Thu, 2018-04-26 19:38

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I is a postwarrior, what ever rior means, probably part of will do, lol.
Take care and keep writing, we will follow you through your Uni days, later, and will walk with you.
Yours, Bampy, xxx

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Geezer

Tue, 2018-08-14 11:19

Geezer's picture
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since I've read some of your work. Shame to me! I just want to address a couple of things in this work,
that I think would make it smoother.

1] The second stanza is a bit murky. I think I understand where you are going with this and think that this might help. "With big Spring smiles,
we sat astride revision".

2] Sixth stanza: "And then those later days" rather than "then those Spring days" The repetition of Spring so close, gives the impression of a limited vocabulary.

3] sun stroke is not one word when used in this context.

Hope this helps. ~Geezer.

P.S. sometimes when your computer is slow, [for any number of reasons] it needs time to catch up and post. It happens to me sometimes.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

purple-hobbit

Thu, 2018-08-30 15:59

purple-hobbit's picture

Sorry it has taken so long to reply I haven't had the time to check my laptop!
I agree completely with your revisions and have edited my people thanks for your help!
I'll try to be a little more patient when posting :P
Thanks!

Not all those who wander are lost - JR Tolkien

- Tyjana :)

author comment
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