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winter ride
back home
winter wind
left bristle-burns
content
safe and warm
still carry cold storms
my veins
remember
and miss the thrill
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
raj
Fri, 2018-02-23 13:15
Even
Even
tense moments
leave a trail
Theme parks
are nerve rankling
yet full of fun
I miss
the noise
of roller coaster
.........................
raj (sublime_ocean)
IRiz
Sat, 2018-02-24 09:26
Trace? Perhaps. Cool poem.
Trace? Perhaps. Cool poem. Thank you for you poetic reply.
IRiz
raj
Sat, 2018-02-24 13:46
"trail" in the sense of
"trail" in the sense of fading memories..
raj (sublime_ocean)
lovedly
Sat, 2018-02-24 14:03
sunku awakens lovedlu
sunku
awakens
lovedluly
ensure
charity
commences
likely
lovers do
merrily woohoo
(howz the syllables count poetree)
fink555
Mon, 2018-03-26 22:01
i
i
think
this
was a lovely
powem
lol seriously I'd leave out "still" and you'd have a fantastic mood piece here.
IRiz
Mon, 2018-03-26 23:24
Shall I use yet instead of
Shall I use yet instead of still?
IRiz
fink555
Tue, 2018-03-27 00:17
Yes
I think yet has a more assonantal rhythm to it than "still", though generally I love the word "still".
I think it would be a definite improvement. But only my opinion.
Best
IRiz
Tue, 2018-03-27 09:17
Why do you suggest to remove
Why do you suggest to remove still?
IRiz
valene
Tue, 2018-03-27 09:36
like it IRiz...
...but it's fractured.
even with such a segmented form as this,
it has to flow, does it not question mark.
sorry, shift key knackered. smiley face.
v
x
IRiz
Tue, 2018-03-27 11:32
I don't know
I don't know
IRiz
valene
Tue, 2018-03-27 14:31
well, if you don't...
...how am i supposed to help.
give me some feed to feed me.
v
x
fink555
Tue, 2018-03-27 17:24
Because--
Because it really doesn't work in a syllabic sense. Doesn't sound good. "Yet" is soft, fleeting, and adds a musicality to it
IRiz
Tue, 2018-03-27 18:57
:)
:)
IRiz
IRiz
Tue, 2018-03-27 18:57
:)
:)
IRiz
fink555
Tue, 2018-03-27 21:48
Yeah
Maybe I could make my smiley face is a little bigger there! Don't know the app.
Gosh darn.
Pax