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Elizabeth’s dream.

Submitted by vandiemenspeak on Thu, 2018-03-01 05:28

When I departed Elizabeth’s dream
nobody heard her imperious screams
Silent they were to this treacherous boy
ragging on antipodean soil

Silent they were to this frenzied ear
Clearing the air in some hemisphere
as earth is to earth, I’m the heir
of a strangling secret that no-one dare

Talk without shame, in polite company
though this is a thing all feel quite plainly
When Elizabeth vein, lowers her drawers
and all of the commoners, shown to the door-

Perhaps that vestibule, pitched where they are
will congregate swiftly, talking of scars
finely fine, blend unblemished air
And all those lost souls will know

What it was to be fair.

Style / type:

Structured: Western

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Last few words:

Alright, "structured-ish"- this literally was a dream, more of a song, a lyric idea of fleeing the old country and finding new secrets down under. Wanted to get out while raw, hope it strikes a chord. cheers.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

valene

Thu, 2018-03-01 06:21

But for a couple of lines,

some word swapping and choices, i think you've let the chick out.

Nice work, enjoyed.

Best wishes....val

vandiemenspeak

Tue, 2018-03-06 05:11

Thanks Valene

Swift editing will resume. Some shunted forced rhymes etc. It's still rough, I will take your suggestions on board. Thank you.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

Obadiah Grey

Thu, 2018-03-01 09:48

Awwww, I'm glad its only

Awwww, I'm glad its only "structured-ish", it allows for the pedant in me to say,,
whoooo, this could be good ! but for a few omitted salient words, (in essence, I'm jealous)

Obi.

vandiemenspeak

Tue, 2018-03-06 05:13

Thanks Obi for the feedback..

I will attempt to find those salient words. Elizabeth will continue to dream without me..:)

Cheers,

Chris

Chris Hall - Tasmania

author comment

chevyvent

Thu, 2018-03-01 13:24

Great concept here

Really great piece

Mario Vitale

vandiemenspeak

Tue, 2018-03-06 05:14

Cheers Mario, still trying..

to nut out the concept/conceit myself. Thanks for reading.

Cheers,

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

author comment

Neopoet

Elizabeth’s dream.