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Its an Age thing (Sunku)

Submitted by Sparrow on Mon, 2018-02-26 19:30

I am
Late next month
Seventy six

My thoughts
Clouded some
What, who, or when.

I did
Please tell me
Things I have done

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Irene, was on about Birthdays some place. While the cats away the mice will play lol Have a great day Ya'all..
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form

Comments

IRiz

Mon, 2018-02-26 21:59

IRiz's picture
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The one
Who was born
In early spring

The one
Who does not
Remember a thing

Is still
My dear
Poet friend

IRiz

Sparrow

Tue, 2018-02-27 03:55

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As Jess said the silly bulls were not good, well that's Bulls for you lol.
You go sort your studies out, Jess said he would look after the workshop for you.
See you in a couple of weeks,
Take care
Yours Ian.x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

IRiz

Tue, 2018-02-27 08:36

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Ready to take off

IRiz

weirdelf

Mon, 2018-02-26 22:53

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https://vocaroo.com/i/s1CHzbtnOGXt

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Sparrow

Tue, 2018-02-27 03:57

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will sort out the Bovine mistakes, it was getting late and this ole guy needs more sleep.
Thanks for your read and comment they mean a lot,
Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

valene

Tue, 2018-02-27 10:31

but it flows delightfully, and makes complete sense!

Best wishes

val.

weirdelf

Tue, 2018-02-27 12:29

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You even managed to build in an insult. You know what syllables are. You are no better than Crud.
Fuck off.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

valene

Tue, 2018-02-27 12:41

put a halogen bulb behind Mr Crud's evaluation of you?

shame on you, little man.

Best wishes

val x

valene

Tue, 2018-02-27 12:54

my review was not the least insulting as the little man suggests.
i thought it well thought, and my reference to the syllable count was my ignorance of the sunku form. i'm well aware of what a syllable is. far more than some know what manners are, it would appear.

Best wishes

val x

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