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Evening Sky Sunku (FEBRUARY CONTEST)

Shooting stars
Meteor blast
The sky is alive

Peeking moon
Its many shapes
Illuminous wonder

Planets spin
Axis shift
Life interrupted

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Hoping they would like it. May be too simplistic for Edgar but Jim...this would be something he may think of

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Carrie I loved this Sunku. "Spinning" would have gone well as a beginning in S3 in the context of "Shooting" and "Peeking" which begin S1 & S2 respectively. Just my opinion...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Glad you enjoyed this. Decided to try what I have learned in the months contest.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

I think you have captured Facts, Romance & Impact on Seasons respectively in Stanzas 1, 2 & 3 precisely and effectively

keep serving more of such cookies...may be sweet, bitter sweet or dark chocolates. if I may call them that...

raj (sublime_ocean)

It is so nice to receive such positive feedback and to be able to make simple changes to improve.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

I love the sound of your catastrophic Sunku!
You covered one more aspect of the form.
Its shortness here makes me feel as if you do not have time for the longer one.
It is a great write! Thank you.
Axis shifts perhaps?

IRiz

You like this. I am enjoying Sunku as a form. I would love to write longer versions in same form but not sure if that is actually a thing or not.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

I thought about it and decided that if you feel the images and thoughts are overwhelming and asking to be continued then YES.
The form exists to make you think and select only the best. It is travel light approach but if there is a necessary for your trip thing you have to take it. You know what I mean.

IRiz

I know what you mean. We can go longer if needed and still stay in form. Will explore this when I am able to post tonight.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Hi Carrie
It struck me during re reading your Sunku that you have chosen "Solar" as a title when most of the elements in it are of night. Especially because this is part of your entry for the February Contest, you may want to change the title to something more appropriate which the judges will look at too. Remember today is the last date for submission just in case you want to make edits.

Few titles which come to my silly mind are....Universe...Skydome...Planetorium..

Best of luck

raj (sublime_ocean)

All elements listed were part of astronomy and the solar system. I will change it though and see.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

author comment

Yes..If you revise the title to Solar System it would cover your Sunku,,,however in my opinion if you stick to just Solar it is likely to be perceived as related to Sun...for example..solar panels...solar cookers...solar batteries...etc.

raj (sublime_ocean)

Good change in title ...if it was me i may have changed to Night instead of evening...anyways Evening Sky is also good...

raj (sublime_ocean)

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