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Fear (Sunku)

Submitted by Sparrow on Sat, 2018-02-24 03:42

These things are not all fun and games, do I have to bring in Digit to make a point lol..

Laughing
Your fear shows
A night on watch

Crying
There’s a noise
Could be my door

Screaming
I rush out
Oh its you Mum.

Sunku as all poetry should be adaptable to all situations, take care all there are bad things about.
Can we write of them ???
Yours, Ian..

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
I will have a look at the implications of Sunku in the world of fear when time permits, on site here we have some wonderful people, Killer,. Nevermore and young Digit, they have a place in all types of writes, I hope someone agrees..
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form

Comments

raj

Sat, 2018-02-24 06:02

Your first few and last few words remind me of a workshop where the participants using poem as a medium constructed a Sherlock Holmes like story where your Digit was one of the key characters...lol..
Though IRiz would answer your query , I think you will find some answers in her blog on Aesthetics.

Regards...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Geezer

Sat, 2018-02-24 09:06

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Iriz comments on the aesthetics of Sunku, I realize that my renditions are not meeting the criteria for the form. We are expected to conform to a more comfortable value for the Zen-like state. I will attempt to do better. ~ Geezer.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

IRiz

Sat, 2018-02-24 09:42

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You do not have to but if you do I am sure something helful and beautiful will come up
Do not have to be flowery, don't have to talk about stars and pink bunnies and sparkling rains. You can talk about suffering and pain but in a way that your words defeat them and elevate us above it.

IRiz

IRiz

Sat, 2018-02-24 10:01

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Dear Sparrow,
Thank you for your beautiful poem.
I love it. Yes. You can write about fear, pain, death.
You can write about anything that is touching your heart. It has to be honest and simple words that help us survive, accept, be better.
Suffering is everywhere. It is a foundation of our existence. Sunku is has nine lines, every stanza has nine syllabi. Ku and nine in Japanese sound the same and mean suffering. But it is composed of three times three, three principles of Zen that helps to be above it, to refocus, to accept and move up and beyond it.
Your poem, creates a world initself.
I hear the resounding doors, laughter and scream,
I fear your loss in the evening of long summer day.
Take care, dear Sparrow.

IRiz

Sparrow

Sat, 2018-02-24 19:32

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Near all of my writes are fiction, only when writing for a person will I be truthful.
I have had a lovely childhood and very good life.
Now I have been retired for near 11 years and just play at writing for effect.
It is really lovely of you, as is your way, to find time to give me words to hold me.
One day I will write for you and maybe i will also write my biography, But I feel that the writing I do and have done, gives that bit of cover for my true being.
I am at rest and content with all things and persons at the moment, all memories of losses and wasted years are held in their rightful place where they can be viewed without causing harm.
Young Lady you hold onto that lovely images that shine in your site and in the words you write,
Yours as always with Unconditional love to you and yours, Ian..xx

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Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

IRiz

Sat, 2018-02-24 20:44

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You are Poet, no retirement there

IRiz

lonlyhrtsclub13

Sat, 2018-02-24 10:48

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The innocent child fear in this write, can feel the climax as the child rushes a way from what is scaring them, only to be relieved it is only his or her mother. Good use of emotion in a small package.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

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