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winter ride

back home
winter wind
left bristle-burns

content
safe and warm
still carry cold storms

my veins
remember
and miss the thrill

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Even
tense moments
leave a trail

Theme parks
are nerve rankling
yet full of fun

I miss
the noise
of roller coaster
.........................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Trace? Perhaps. Cool poem. Thank you for you poetic reply.

IRiz

author comment

"trail" in the sense of fading memories..

raj (sublime_ocean)

sunku
awakens
lovedluly

ensure
charity
commences

likely
lovers do
merrily woohoo

(howz the syllables count poetree)

i

think

this

was a lovely
powem
lol seriously I'd leave out "still" and you'd have a fantastic mood piece here.

Shall I use yet instead of still?

IRiz

author comment

I think yet has a more assonantal rhythm to it than "still", though generally I love the word "still".

I think it would be a definite improvement. But only my opinion.

Best

Why do you suggest to remove still?

IRiz

author comment

...but it's fractured.
even with such a segmented form as this,
it has to flow, does it not question mark.

sorry, shift key knackered. smiley face.

v
x

I don't know

IRiz

author comment

...how am i supposed to help.
give me some feed to feed me.

v
x

Because it really doesn't work in a syllabic sense. Doesn't sound good. "Yet" is soft, fleeting, and adds a musicality to it

:)

IRiz

author comment

:)

IRiz

author comment

Maybe I could make my smiley face is a little bigger there! Don't know the app.

Gosh darn.

Pax

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