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POETS (Sunku)
Cry not
for old men
who took pen in hand
their lot
indeed, sin
is to enrich the land
bones rot
beneath fen
time is a quick sand
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
raj
Tue, 2018-02-20 07:17
I will look at this again
I will look at this again once you tweak it up. I notice syllable counts exceeding the norm in the current version.
Regards...
raj (sublime_ocean)
Geezer
Tue, 2018-02-20 09:27
I have..
an idea to let this poem conform to the parameters, [although we have been told that it isn't a strict form], but one that can morph to the author's need.
1] get rid of the [is] in the line: is to enrich the land.
2] eliminate either the [is] again or the [a] in the last line.
None of the eliminations will actually change the meaning of the poem.
There is no word or letter to get rid of in the first stanza that will make it conform, so either accept it or rewrite the line. I think that it is fine the way that it is. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
IRiz
Tue, 2018-02-20 10:06
Please do help us here, your
Please do help us here, your constructive and tasteful comments are needed. Thank you very much.
IRiz
IRiz
Tue, 2018-02-20 09:55
Thank you for sharing. Yet another great poem.
The rhyme and rhythm make it ring.
It sounds like a wordless pray.
It reminds me the rhythm of merciless marching minutes, an army of time.
Could you, please, explain me the second stanza?
Is it a sin to die without a pen in hand, without trying?
IRiz
Barbara Writes
Tue, 2018-02-20 12:06
Hi
Love the flow. I get more style understanding from your work as usual
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
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