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Sunku 6 Workshop

Submitted by Barbara Writes on Sat, 2018-02-17 01:29

Roast fest
Burning bricks
And fire bombs

Niceness
Been kicked out
Pissed off in the house
__
I’m like
A strange bird
Caught in the wind

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form

Comments

Geezer

Sat, 2018-02-17 10:36

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that Sunku is kind of like Haiku with fewer restrictions!
I got the feel of war -torn lands from this one!
I liked the separation of the last stanza from the rest.
It gave it all the more feeling of aloneness!

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Barbara Writes

Mon, 2018-02-19 16:57

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And On point with your description. I get the feel that SunKu is haiku, senyru and it’s where I write from. My objective in the workshop is get the structural design Irzi shooting is for. I’ve havent mastered traditional poetry in all it many forms. I realize my challenge is as Jess said, I don’t speak the language lol. So I guess my dyslexic nature crosses over into poetry. I just don’t get it and when I do I forget if I don’t get the basic formula for writing any poetry form down. Once down I can write without being tied to the syllabi count, meter etc.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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IRiz

Sat, 2018-02-17 12:22

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Hello, Barbara.
Thank you for your great Sunku.
It created an image of destroyed town.
Lost wind wanders above the ruins.
Grief and smoke of recent fires make it so dense and heavy that it catches souls in it.
That is how a strange bird of your soul is caught.
Time stopped when it happened.

Tell me if I am way off. It is possible.

I like the way the sounds in your poem form patterns.

Roast fest rhymes to niceness
The middle has ou sounds.

I like how sounds of

burning bricks
bombs

connect to

bird
wind

IRiz

Barbara Writes

Mon, 2018-02-19 16:45

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I love writing how I feel and making it pop with metaphors. I’m not educated in Poetry. what I know I learned here at Neopoet since 2008. So I’m here in your awesome workshop to master this style as I’ve done haiku, senyru, tanka, couplets and Renga.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

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