Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Now a Sunku, with rhyme
No scars
the past gone
you cannot see
when dark
quivering
so pitifully
I learn
what it was
that made me be me
The first version-
No outward
damage can be seen
the past,
therefore can not have been.
Still in the dark I sometimes see
the things that made me truly me.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
raj
Wed, 2018-02-14 06:02
I see a lesson here
The theme is excellent, so are the verses as expected of Poet of your stature. I am sure you will use your trimming tools effectively to prune this without losing its essence. Shall look forward to reading your trimmed version.
In fact, this being a workshop, I think that you may have deliberately posted this one as a lesson to demonstrate to the participants how to first let one's thought flow, before pruning them to a fine trimmed Sunku version.
Regards..
raj (sublime_ocean)
weirdelf
Wed, 2018-02-14 07:01
I owe you $3.50, Raj, as promised (cheque is in the mail)
for letting me off the hook for not posting anything even resembling a Sunku.
I will indeed work on it.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Wed, 2018-02-14 09:38
greetings
Now you've done it. Raj has forced tou to put a lot more thought into a random muse. And since muses often strike without regard to form you're gonna have to make some drastic changes. Good thing this isn't a rhyming shop lol. BTW I like the poem as is and expect the bones of it will be maintained in the revision..........stan
IRiz
Fri, 2018-02-16 10:43
Weirdelf,
Weirdelf,
Thank you for posting your poem here,
My thoughts:
Damage is replaced by scars, sharper and more specific image. The word scars enhances the nearby word past. The meaning of the stanza is more obscure then in original version. I want to jump to the second stanza for an explanation.
Instead I see a vivid image of quivering darkness.
That is great on its own.
The third one
I learn
what it was
that made me be me
Have you learned it from the darkness?
How that relates to the scars-past line of thoughts?
The vibe of the poem - sore knowledge of the grown man with scars that healed almost completely turning into the dark outline of self - is haunting.
I want to write it up, not stepping on your heels, just something that comes from meditating on your lines
scars healed
almost in full
leave outlines
darkness
quivering
in between
here
slowly forms
my true self
I think it looks really good now, at the moment I simply love the result! Can we post it as a collaboration? No offence if you don't like it.
IRiz
raj
Wed, 2018-02-14 12:43
IRiz, in fact as i had
IRiz, in fact as i had presumed, that was perhaps the intent of Weirdelf in posting a poem not conforming to Sunku so that others should attempt to convert it as you have done nicely...may be you two thought of this as workshop hosts...good team work i must say...lol..
However, at least to me the syllabi counts do not seem to be what they should be to be a Sunku
may be i should be trying my hand at it too...especially when Weirdelf is giving me $3.50 lol...
raj (sublime_ocean)
raj
Wed, 2018-02-14 13:04
My attempt at converting Weirdelf's theme to Sunku
No scar
of a wound
or bleeding
The hurt
though remains
hidden within
Being
abandoned
adopted child
raj (sublime_ocean)
IRiz
Wed, 2018-02-14 13:31
after all i don't think it is
after all i don't think it is a good idea
to rewrite poems, I apologize to WeirdElf
IRiz
raj
Wed, 2018-02-14 14:10
Weirdelf
If you my attempt offending...please accept my apologies too...honestly it was a workshop attempt and no other intent...
respectfully..
raj (sublime_ocean)
weirdelf
Wed, 2018-02-14 21:25
No offence!
I'm chuffed it was useful. Interesting that your interpretations reveal something about yourselves.
I will get to mine soon.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
raj
Thu, 2018-02-15 06:54
It is not about myself....
It is not about myself....
raj (sublime_ocean)
weirdelf
Thu, 2018-02-15 07:19
nu uh!
No takey backey's!
You wrote-
Being
abandoned
adopted child
You might not be adopted but that says something about you. Nothing about abandonment or adoption in the original.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
IRiz
Thu, 2018-02-15 23:35
It is a pleasure reading your
It is a pleasure reading your poem.
I will re read it tomorrow. Tired.
IRiz