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Happens to me [Sunku Workshop]
Scattered
are my thoughts
like spilled pop corn
They stare
even mock
my puzzled look
My muse
has hundreds
mouths to talk
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
IRiz
Mon, 2018-02-12 21:15
welcome and thank you for
welcome and thank you for being the first bird
I like the poem
is it how you feel?
perhaps puzzled look would sound more to the true meaning of what you wanted to tell?
i am just guessing.
I was thinking about your last stanza since yesterday and I am not still sure what you meen
maybe your muse feasts on the words to fill the voids?
or better yet your muse has thousand eyes?
Scattered
are my thoughts
like spilled pop corn
They stare
even mock
my puzzled look
My muse
has hundreds
mouths to talk
Think about it, is it close to your thought?
IRiz
raj
Tue, 2018-02-13 05:36
Thanks IRiz
You are absolutely right with the perception and the changes you proposed are spot on and therefore accepted in the edits....
Thanks and regards...
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentIRiz
Tue, 2018-02-13 09:01
Think about it, no rush.
Think about it, no rush.
The vowels form a pattern like colors in the painting.
Look where are all your O
Maybe you want another O at the end and use the word talk.
That way you return the power to the beginning emphasizing and connecting the words thought and talk.
Speak emphasizes spilled. Is it what you want?
Maybe. Let me know what do you think.
IRiz
raj
Tue, 2018-02-13 14:31
based on the explanation
based on the explanation given by you IRiz..."Talk" makes a lot more sense/impact now than "Speak"...
Thanks again for your time, read and backing up your suggestion with an explanation which is what is expected from a workshop..
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentIRiz
Tue, 2018-02-13 15:30
You are welcome dear RAJ
You are welcome dear RAJ
IRiz