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Felony

I could have your evidence bag sent over to the precinct,
Or Rather call a battalion to come have you on a platter.
But That will be too easy,
I will torture you with my stare
Penetrate your walls with my words.
Suck up every bit of ur juice,
And let you die in pleasure.
Maybe
I should tear you all up,
Undergo ur autopsy alive.
Excavate every broken piece,
Sing to you while you're in pain,
And listen to your heart beat grow faint.
Indeed
I will be standing in the gate of heaven.
Waving you, who is aheaded to hell.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

is good and the beginning and end were great. I like the way that the whole thing hung together. Nice job! ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

no problem geezer, Thanks.

author comment

Gosh that's a scouring bitterness seeping through the word choices! Good use of opposites...Heaven/ hell...pain/pleasure.

However, please for the love of god use the word 'your' instead of text-lexis 'ur'...it's just lazy.

Otherwise a neat visual image.

about the 'ur' and 'your' it's noted. thanks a lot

author comment
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