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"Do I Cry?"

Submitted by Sparrow on Sat, 2018-01-20 19:14

When do I cry?

Gaps form over the passage of endless time.
People leave my side each year, I am feeling fine.
Not their thoughts but their physical form.
A Sister, a Brother, a love, or another friend.

When do I cry?

When the spaces are few from one to the next.
If this is an age thing, then I am the aged keeper.
Close family that held the records of us all.
Why didn’t I keep the records and learn more?

When do I cry?

For my own thoughts, of those journeyed on.
Drip fed emotions spill a tear on dry cheeks.
Brushed away in case anyone sees the pain.
Is this counted as a cry, where are you when I need?

When do I cry?

Is it now! When the clock strikes twelve?
Here alone thinking of days and years past.
"I can't find a reason" as they are driven away.
This is the start of another tearless day.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Tears fall, and reasons fade away each day, yet there in the Spirit is a reason for keeping on.. Yours Ian
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Eumolpus

Sun, 2018-01-21 20:32

Eumolpus's picture

like the form and the way you constructed it. The on off rhyme scheme as well done well.
I think you need to add question marks for all the questions not only the repeated one.(stanza 2 and 3) and I'm not sure of the title which is a question, and it is answered in the poem...
Lastly the last two lines ..."cannot" needs a subject, like "I can't find a reason" to keep the meter.
..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Sparrow

Mon, 2018-01-22 19:26

Sparrow's picture
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Thank you for your comments tat have been acted on and the piece has been edited.
If there is something else just let me know.
Today I attended the funeral of my baby Sister, now I only have one Sister left out of four and No brothers out of three, this age thing becomes a threat to us all.
I wrote a piece, from her, to the people, at the service,
I shall put it here as it is not really a poem just a lot of feelings coming through, as if she was letting those left behind that it is a memory thing:-

A Thought from Hazel

I am out there amongst you all.
Wandering in your beautiful memories.
To each of you, this holds so dear.
A good light that shone for you all
That still shines, and yes, it is brighter

To my Alf who has been my twin spirit
In thoughts and so many good ways.
My children, Granddaughter, and all children
I was a Mother, Sister, Nan and Aunty,
Friend to more than I dare say.

“You can all see me now” I hear
“Yes we will all fly free one day”
I will wait for you as I am unchanged.
Held in memories arms unchanging
I will watch you as you grow

There in a moment of now I am.
To you as always Alf, the same
A weakness of body, but not spirit.
Held in love for ever, as all I know.
I will always walk with you

There in the warm sun, you will feel me
In the breeze, I will whisper your name.
I will touch you all in memories way.
A look, a feeling, know when I am near
Take care of you all, as you are precious.

There in the great way of all things,
Know that I am but a thought away.
Love to you all, as I love you all.

Alf Is her husband, she leaves, one daughter and one granddaughter, though having remarried into a large family there are many. Hope you can give me some good thoughts on this piece,
Yours as always Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

Eumolpus

Mon, 2018-01-22 20:54

Eumolpus's picture

You said you wrote, but I think you meant you read a piece from her...

Regardless, this is so written from the gut, from the depth of being, and with such elegance at the finality her life, with such courage and love, it makes me want to scream out loud with both grief and hope.

I can only image the immediate response to this was a ferocious cry of love and sorrow. Your sister had the true soul of a poet who loved life, who bathed in light and accepted death in a rare way.
She must have been very special.

Offering my condolences hardly suffice. The grief is too suffocating from this piece which so
emotionally express the highest grace a human can offer at their death.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Sparrow

Tue, 2018-01-23 03:31

Sparrow's picture
Volunteer badge

Yes I said I wrote, this is the way I write, and this was one of those times when my Little Sister couldn't say to those she had left, I was asked to write for her.
Usually the write is about how she influenced my life, and some of the memories I had of her, but this time I wrote it as if she was speaking to us here as we floundered in grief.
I use to write for people in many places, this was one of my most difficult write, and from what you say I must have written it well.
Thank you for your comments they are always welcome, you have learned from one bird how to sing of other things..
Yours as always, Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment
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