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Porch sitting

Submitted by Scatterhatter on Sat, 2017-12-09 09:55

After midnight (way beyond)
I listen
To the strong Ferntree song
It whistles (as snoring does)
Who Will Play?
(No one awake)
Trees are here
With me they chime
But all I want
Is you
(But I wait, awake)
Sleep dear
Sleep deep
Awake tomorrow and I'll
Be near

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

vandiemenspeak

Thu, 2018-01-04 07:37

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Some are morning people, some are not alas. Love the image of the porch, and the morning, could almost be there. Good stuff.

Thank you.

Chris :)

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

Scatterhatter

Tue, 2018-01-16 08:18

Hi Chris
Sorry it's taken me a while to reply.
This was a frustrating one. As the morning is really a midnight morning - wanting to stay up really late. I hope the end was a little more gracious than I felt at the time. (Hoping that makes sense).

author comment

Scatterhatter

Tue, 2018-01-16 08:18

Hi Chris
Sorry it's taken me a while to reply.
This was a frustrating one. As the morning is really a midnight morning - wanting to stay up really late. I hope the end was a little more gracious than I felt at the time. (Hoping that makes sense).

author comment

swamp-witch

Fri, 2018-01-05 15:47

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I love the use of the parentheses in the poem. I usually think of them like thoughts occuring in a poem, or sometimes an aside whispered to the reader and I love that. 
 
I also enjoyed the word play, and repetition of sounds in the poem with the lines:
 
(But I wait, awake) 
Sleep dear
Sleep deep
Awake tomorrow and I'll
 
And also with the lines:
 
After midnight (way beyond)
I listen
To the strong Ferntree song
 
My two small suggestions for the poem are as follows:
 
I think the title should follow title case for a more polished look ("Porch Sitting") and I would like to know if the capitalization on "Who WIll Play?" is intentional. If so, could you tell us why? If not, I think "will play?" could be lowercase and that might help readers stumble a little less. The capitalization made me emphasize the line in a way that did not fit the peaceful patience of the poem's images, so I think the change would help.
 
Of course, you don't have to make any of these changes if you don't want to. It's your poem and your choice about how/why you revise. These are just my ideas meant to inspire you.
 
Take care,
Kelsey
 
 

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Scatterhatter

Tue, 2018-01-16 08:11

Oh Kelsey,
I'm so sorry for not replying sooner. I truely appreciate your suggestions and will have a play around with this one a little more shortly.
The Who Will Play? In capitals was sort of like a child stamping it's feet- if that makes sense to you?

author comment

swamp-witch

Tue, 2018-01-16 17:52

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No worries! We all have responsibilities outside Neopoet. :)

And the capitals do make sense that way.

Kelsey

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weirdelf

Tue, 2018-01-16 09:53

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but evokes for me those precious times of just being with a lover asleep. a combination of awe at their unguarded beauty and a sense of protectiveness.
There is more to it, of course, that's just what it gave me in particular.

cheers,
Jess
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