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Malicious Envy.

Submitted by Marvel Godwyn on Tue, 2017-12-12 11:00

Hatred is malicious envy's anchorage,
on same path they tread to smudge,
dull friendship's glistening hue,
to bring down its lofty value.

Evilness is first conceived in the mind.
An envious mind is a mind unsound,
in it, pique, devilries even more reside.
Warily our thoughts we must daily guide.

Bonds of friendship envy makes brittle,
its strong walls slowly it brickles
shortly beneath its weight they crumble,
and become irreparable rubble.

Once glary friendship becomes opaque,
its elegance dull and vague,
to it you both say goodbye,
as it becomes even more awry.

In despair, there won't be a hand to hold,
no more smiling face to behold.
In raging storms, on no one to belay,
In solitariness you will writhe in dismay.

Enviousness is evilness in mind untold,
paves for discord a wide threshold.
A true friendship is void of envy,
it radiates daily utmost beauty.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

lovedly

Thu, 2017-12-21 02:12

lovedly's picture

too frequent use of
envy and closely twice
envious
loses the flavour
you wish to deliver

Tighten up your liver

find another word
to google forget never

it's an adorably envious (hahaha!)
maddening world

lovedly

Thu, 2017-12-21 02:14

lovedly's picture

jealousy, enviousness, covetousness, desire; resentment, resentfulness, bitterness, discontent, spite

Marvel Godwyn

Thu, 2017-12-21 09:17

Marvel Godwyn's picture

Thanks Lovedly ,your suggestions were so useful.

author comment

Eumolpus

Tue, 2018-01-02 20:28

Eumolpus's picture

It has been suggested writers have 3 consciences. Divine, public, private. Divine came first, writers praising god(s), from the prophets to St. Augustine. Then is public- the writer becomes the voice of the people,to tell them what is truth, love, meaning, honor, the good and bad...that is true of almost all literature to the romantics in the 19th Century. Finally the private, the writer using his own self in confession to see truth, share imagination. That is the home of most writers today, writing confessional poetry about themselves in the universe, personal responsibility and accountability.

One could never disagree or undermine the truth of you visions, of the evils of hate and envy. and you have stated them eloquently. I would like to see more personal passion, more "you" in the poem.

In a poem concerning hate in a universal way, I think writer today must have one foot in public and one in personal conscience. Too much public, it becomes a type of propaganda. Too much personal it looses its universal truth messages. Not sure where the fine line is, but Soyinka found it.

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Marvel Godwyn

Wed, 2018-01-03 05:10

Marvel Godwyn's picture

Thank you so much Eumolpus, for your wonderful review, it is much appreciated.

author comment
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