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The sometimes of life

Submitted by scooby on Sun, 2017-12-24 11:54

Sometimes when you live,
You live to the fullest.
Sometimes when you bleed,
You lose to much blood.

Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

themoonman

Sun, 2017-12-24 13:39

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I like your short poignant verse,
feel the last word is unnecessary,
and it should end at "much" ... just
a suggestion, thanks for posting.

swamp-witch

Mon, 2017-12-25 02:27

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Good to see you back. Hope everything is okay.

I really appreciated the succinctness of this poem, so much is said in said a little place. Those are my favorite sorts of poems.

Two tiny things:

I do agree with themoonman that the last word could possibly go (or maybe even change to something like like "too much of yourself" just something to avoid the close repetition of bleed/blood, especially in such a short and poignant poem)

"lose to much" --> "lose too much"

Hope you don't mind the suggestions! I hope this poem marks a return for you with more like this.

Take care,
Kelsey

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Eumolpus

Mon, 2017-12-25 13:22

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not much to add to such a short piece, one worth quoting. I would, though, adjust the title.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

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