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The End of a Story
The room was empty.
The town
had quieted down.
As always
I was not sleeping
with my eyes closed
in the middle of the bed
much further
from the edge
than I ever wanted
I was rolling, tossing, turning...
stood up, lit a cigarette,
and looked
at your portrait again.
You've left,
gone, disappeared,
only the empty frame
was hanging open
and doors ajar.
In the alignment of contours
the portrait,
the doors, the mirrors,
my eyelids, the curtains,
the word FAREWELL,
the passage,
the route for my escape,
it is a deep underground well.
It is fair and hurts as hell.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
Last few words:
It is a work of pure fiction. Any resemblance is pure accedental. I am joking.
But there are sincere feelings in the write.
One of the poets here asked for a poem with a story.
Here I offer a poem about the end of it :):):)
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Keith Logan
Sat, 2017-12-09 22:05
I have
written a couple of stream-of-consciousness poems and I really like this one. If I would change anything it is the last line (which has to be the strongest) to something like
It is fair and hurts as hell.
It is fair but hurts like hell.
I know this destroys the assonance of that line but to me it is a worthwhile trade off for the greater strength in the statement.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
IRiz
Sun, 2017-12-10 11:59
Thank you very much for
Thank you very much for reading and commenting.
I will think about your suggestion.
I thought about it and decided that hurt like hell is more commonly used expression and often used for physical discomfort and a bit over used and carries a diminished meaning. Hurt as hell, on the other hand, makes you understand the meaning more literally .
The word like used to introduce a metaphor, while as is a plain statement of equiality.
IRiz
lovedly
Sun, 2017-12-10 08:24
had quieted down.
had.........''quietened....''
down.
perhaps
IRz
IRiz
Sun, 2017-12-10 08:36
Hello my friend. Thank you
Hello my friend. Thank you for your question, I do not sense the difference except the word is harder to pronounce. Could you explain it to me.
I wrote a long comment on one of your poems, and either failed to save it or it was removed. Have you seen it? (Asking just in case)
IRiz
lovedly
Sun, 2017-12-10 10:09
iff you google quiet
quieted and quietened it will give u a wider perspective
no exchange
comment for a comment
ur poetry is like was esker's
miles long
he was an endeared fiend he placed himself as my fan
just see the humility of the man
how I wish I cold return his reward
sad he has gone
no,
I have not yet seen your longish comment
nothing can be erased here by anyone else
but the originator they all confess
regardless
IRiz
Sun, 2017-12-10 11:54
I think I failed to save it.
I think I failed to save it. Oh, God.
I will write it again at some point.
The upcoming week is going to be busy, working:(
IRiz
IRiz
Sun, 2017-12-10 12:13
I think I failed to save it.
I think I failed to save it. Oh, God.
I will write it again at some point.
The upcoming week is going to be busy, working:(
IRiz
lovedly
Sun, 2017-12-10 12:50
never mnd
comment on LONELINESS
OR LOVE KIDS POEM
IRiz
Sun, 2017-12-10 12:52
it was love kids
it was love kids
IRiz
lovedly
Tue, 2017-12-12 00:41
try and redo
twill be wonderful coming from you IRIZ
Keith Logan
Mon, 2017-12-11 23:01
Difference
I quieted my cat as he had become agitated. Now that he is quietened he appears much calmer.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
IRiz
Tue, 2017-12-12 00:35
Yes thank you, also I can say
Yes thank you, also I can say that sea has quieted down after the storm or if your cat stressed it could quiet itself by puring. This is the meaning I used in the poem for the town. I am correct in this case.
IRiz
Marvel Godwyn
Sun, 2017-12-10 09:21
A stunning composition, I
A stunning composition, I really like the narrative feature of the poem.Well done, IRiz.
IRiz
Sun, 2017-12-10 11:52
Hello, a new face!
Hello, a new face!
Thank you for reading and kind words.
I am going to check out your poems.
IRiz
lovedly
Sun, 2017-12-10 10:40
thank you for educating me Iriz U QUIET ME
qui•et•en
(kwī′ĭ-tn)
tr. & intr.v. qui•et•ened, qui•et•en•ing, qui•et•ens
Chiefly British
quiet
ˈkwʌɪət/
verb
North American
past tense: quieted; past participle: quieted
1. make or become silent, calm, or still.
"there are ways of quieting kids down"
Is I for IRENE
IRiz
Sun, 2017-12-10 11:48
Lol
Lol
I is for Irene
Riz is for Riz
There is no reason
to believe
that there is
something else
hidden beneath
of a simple spell.
Except maybe the name
of a Greek goddess Iris,
an instant messenger,
connecting realms of gods,
people and other creatures.
Iris is a goddess of lightening.
But I am just IRiz tring to sound like her.
IRiz
lovedly
Sun, 2017-12-10 12:53
JUST GREAT
wen I was young
we were made to sing a song
GOOD NITE IRENE
GOOD NIGHT
weirdelf
Sat, 2018-03-31 08:54
I get why you confessed to it being fiction here
on a critique site, but of course I wouldn't in publication.
You rose to the challenge of story-telling well, and painted a moving picture into the bargain.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
IRiz
Sat, 2018-03-31 09:40
Thank you:):)
Thank you:):)
IRiz