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"A Longing Touch"

Submitted by Sparrow on Fri, 2017-10-20 03:49

There in the glow of evening
I feel your touch in my senses
Then you close your form to me
I retouch as senses reel away

Just being, with nothing to compare
Soft silk, of skin against skin
Drifting minds on a journey new
I have found you, I am overwhelmed

Dreams made that float away
Cares dimmed for another day
Please, Please, just say you’ll stay
Ah! Your thoughts joined my way.

Touch and touch some more
Let dreams be fulfilled for us
To me I feel we have at last joined
Distance gone so has the time

How can I say the feelings flow?
I would drown, in gossamers touch
Inside my body melts slowly down
Converted into a smile no frown.

Should I ask you how you feel?
In whispers shared would I dare?
In this love of joining you know I care
A touch, a smile there’s a beauty there

If only this would last as a dream
An eternity without a seam
Pushing even the stars out of the way
We know we are so in love today.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Words on paper can never depict a feeling that we cannot understand.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

swamp-witch

Sun, 2017-12-03 17:48

swamp-witch's picture
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Love is so hard to capture in words and in images too, but this poem gets close.

My tiniest suggestion: something about "In years of being no comparison" is a little jumbled for me. Something about "being no" was off to my ears. Maybe "in years of being incomparable" ?

Wishing you happy dreams like this poem. I need to go snuggle my pile of teddy bears now!
Kelsey

Critique, don't comment.

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Sparrow

Mon, 2017-12-04 03:58

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A love that has drifted by from an age ago, many years of just hoping for that touch but knowing that it will have to wait until we meet in that other world.
Not often I am at a loss as to what to say or how to say things but that's the way of me..
Thanks for your suggestion about the:- "In years of being no comparison" I have changed it a little, but as the time past there was nothing that could compare, I was at a loss again..
There hidden deep within my soul
A love that is beyond earthly things
This will have to wait for the spirit world
When all things are balanced again.
A love held as this one is, never fades..
My thoughts to you and many thanks for your comment,
Yours as always Ian..xx

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Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

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