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Terror

Submitted by Rhiannon1010 on Fri, 2017-11-03 16:03

Hanging on the precipice of the future,
Disease and death stand by,
Suspended orbit, frozen space.
Hollow echo of water
droplets on concrete.
Spit popping in the back of throats
like the spines of rodents
under a sudden steel spring.
Shuddering gasps of trees
in the night. Shredded air
and tattered lungs,
mucous polyps searching in a vacuum.
Sodden butterfly wings,
immobilized leaden gossamer.
Translucent flesh and sunlight
flash bloodless and fresh.
Sinew severed with the sound of a sour mouth, or silence.
Nothingness that screams for attention
like a warped mirror or static ripple
in a pool of abyssal ink.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Fri, 2017-11-03 19:12

Geezer's picture
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terror to me! A nightmare that I don't want to have. I have to like this one, don't know why, but I do. Nothing to say about it, because I don't know enough about the style. ~ Gee.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Eumolpus

Fri, 2017-11-03 20:13

Eumolpus's picture

You have made a good "list poem", a poem which paints a scene with words to list with images and love of the inner music of words. For me the work is great ground work, but needs an action. The photo has to become a video. The word play is great

Spit popping in the back of throats
like the spines of rodents
under a sudden steel spring.
Shuddering gasps of trees
in the night. Shredded air
and tattered lungs...

Good stuff. It all just needs a "raison d'etre"

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Rhiannon1010

Fri, 2017-11-03 20:43

Rhiannon1010's picture

I think I understand. Like give it some context or background? So that it has more relevance and poignancy?

author comment

Eumolpus

Fri, 2017-11-03 20:57

Eumolpus's picture

My feeling is a poem needs both description (adjectives) and some narrative, a verb..
You have described terror with the use of word sounds and images very nicely, it connects to the senses, but needs just a force to drive it to the brain..the cause of this terror, whatever it is that connects the poem to you or the reader as a result of an action. Does terror have all dominion, is there any force or hope to overcome it...what has caused this sensation is inside you? These are the questions I would be asking myself if writing this type of poem.
So I think the poem can be just a little bit longer, adding a knock-out punch to the reader

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Eumolpus

Sat, 2017-11-04 23:22

Eumolpus's picture

I think the introduction of Nothingness as the terror rings true. What can be more terrifying? What a great find in the word "abyssal" .
For me its a fine poem! Are you happy with it?

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Rhiannon1010

Sun, 2017-11-05 02:09

Rhiannon1010's picture

I am happy with it, though it doesn't feel quite done to me. I'm not sure if I really need to tweak it or if, like a painter. I just need to step back and stew on it a while. N my art classes at uni they tell us that once we think "I think I'm done" to stop working and quit looking for imperfections, otherwise we will overwork the piece.

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