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A Granite Stone

I carved my heart out
On a granite stone
And etched your initials
Though how hard it is
To feel
The chisel's sharpness.

I can no longer
Maintain its composure.

The sculpture cannot
Contain you.

You have been
Quite demanding.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I do like the idea behind this write, but ...
for me, it leaves the reader with too much
to imagine, to fill in the blank spots. Who,
what sort of demanding ... if you were saying
the stone couldn't contain more than one, no
matter who the other was, well, maybe ...

left me with questions, not necessarily a
bad thing in poetry ....

thanks for posting.

Thanks for the comment, I'll try to give it a thought.

I just felt that if I elaborate and state all the feeling without letting the mind tingle with questions, the whole value of the piece would be lost. Thanks again :)

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

Thanks Xena. :)

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

mystery yes, but what I was really saying is this,
this poem could be summed up in one sentence,
"You scratched a hole in my heart"

Like I said earlier, I do like the metaphor, but feel
it needs more, make us feel the chisel, don't just
tell us about it, make us cringe from the inability
to maintain ... the way this is written, it obviously
means something to you, but it leaves the reader
out, of course my read is my read, and certainly does
not reflect the mind of anyone sane, that's what the
voices say anyway ... but I do like the granite, strong
stuff that is ehh.

Thanks again. I'll take your suggestion into consideration. :)

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

This lends itself to the Eastern form of brevity coupled with beauty.. Each line contains a feeling and an image.

Our Western minds want meat and potatoes instead.

Thank you Dennis.

~A

Thanks Anna :) Glad you read my mind :)

p.s. I'm from the East.

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

Why has Bodhidharma left for the East?

~A

Hehehe maybe you could enlighten me on that, I don't have the slightest clue :)

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

Thanks Lonnie :)

I'll try to think of expounding this further. If I can come up with much better then editing this will do. Although majority of those who read this want it kept short and simple.

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

Thanks Ian. Hehe lovely work here :)

I know what you mean. Thanks again :)

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

I haven't tried sculpturing granite or any other piece of art yet. But someday maybe I'll give it a try hehehe

Glad you enjoyed this piece :)

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment
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