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Just Crows Dancing With My Head....

Submitted by Roscoe Lane on Sun, 2017-10-29 03:20

Just Crows Dancing With My Head….

I long to dance like Crows in the rain,
to live as they live with their flight.
To examine their aspiration or pain,
be suited in feathers dark as night.

Is my longing just whimsical or daft,
can no man alive experience that life.
Do I seek to connect a dark craft,
with my mind on the edge of a knife.

Could I really survive on road kill,
putting life claw and wing at peril.
Do I have the need, desire, or will,
to be called caw caw instead of Cyril.

I do so wonder that if I became a Crow,
would I be an able flyer, even the best.
Of course if there’s no transition I won’t know,
but I fear, i’m not to good on the nest.

Here I sit on the shells of another broken egg,
still wondering how those stupid Crows do it.
Then when i Crow-dance I never break a leg,
can I ever fly up there, chances are I flew it.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Don't they always do it...
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

swamp-witch

Sun, 2017-10-29 14:33

swamp-witch's picture
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This is really fun and cute! I can picture it becoming a really enjoyable children's book with whimsical watercolor illustrations.

A few suggestions:

I think using question marks at the ends of the lines were you've asked questions or wonder how it would be to live as a crow would help with the flow of the poem, to help readers really put the right emphasis on those lines (e.g.: "can no man alive experience that life?", "putting life claw and wing at peril?", "would I be an able flyer, even the best?")

I'm also having a little trouble with the line "Then when i Crow dance I never break a leg". Do you mean when you dance like a crow? If so, I suggest considering making Crow Dance both capitals or even using a hyphen (Crow-dance) to help readers pair those words as a type of dance instead of stumbling. I thought there was a typo of an extra word in there the first few times I read it, but then I realized what you probably meant.

This is a good one for the Halloween/autumn season :)

Kelsey

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Roscoe Lane

Mon, 2017-10-30 19:10

Roscoe Lane's picture

Thank you Kelsey for your kind words and advice, I do take note that Crow-dance should be thus. But the question marks i'm not too sure about. Love Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Eumolpus

Sun, 2017-10-29 16:07

Eumolpus's picture

"As life is full of surprises, why should we expect anything different from death" said Nabokov. So maybe re-incarnation is in fact real. If so, guess we have your number. I was thinking of trying
Wildebeest for a while.
Fun poem!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Roscoe Lane

Mon, 2017-10-30 19:14

Roscoe Lane's picture

Thank you i'm glad you enjoyed this, can't say i get the Wildebeest thing with all those Lions waiting for launch. Regards Roscoe....

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Eumolpus

Mon, 2017-10-30 20:18

Eumolpus's picture

Then I’d like to try being a goose...a snow goose. Crow is not my first choices but I understand the lure

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

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