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Canyon
Like broken glass, sea of shale,
in Nature's canyon swale,
walls of layered ochre, sienna hues,
surround crashing waterfall blues,
still moist air, captured in this prison,
this mist filled chasm,
years shown in the towering walls,
each layer had it's genesis call,
being God's continuing creation,
wonderment, fascination,
gentle streamlets, rock erosion,
channeling peaceful emotion,
humbly into thankful solitude,
crevassed silent gratitude.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Greetings, this poem accompanies a 30" X 40" acrylic painting of Cresent Falls, located just a few miles northwest of Nordegg, Alberta. This sixty-one year old poet/artist spent two weeks there this past summer. He is a travelling artist who, along with his thirteen year old West Highland Terrier live in a decommissioned ambulance. I try my best to write a piece for each canvas I paint. I have been writing poetry now for seven years. I originally was based in Edmonton, Alberta and served on the Board of The Stroll of Poets for two years as vice-president. Last year I self-published my first book called "The White Chair", a poetry chap-book which also featured seventeen pieces of art.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Fri, 2017-10-27 16:54
Welcome to Neo...
I like the cadence, the rhythm. It breaks a little here and there, but keeps a recognizable pattern.
Your title is ok, language is good and as I said; the rhythm is pretty good too. As this is already published, you no doubt, don't want to edit it, so I'll just say that I see the vision. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Eumolpus
Fri, 2017-10-27 20:21
I like your poem
and especially the luxury of having both poetry and art. The poem stands out on its own, like a good lyric, but would stand fully tall with the painting, (or lyric with the music). Too bad we can't see the two together.
The poem is one sentence, of course, which is a nice technique for a descriptive poem, and is not too long in that respect. Sometimes I've noticed in this form some poets interject some short, abrupt lines to break it up and add tension. But the sound of the words read to me, paint a nice picture with words.
Sorry that you lose me with "being God's continuing creation." I am humbly brought to gratitude in my own way. Welcome to site!
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
chevyvent
Fri, 2017-10-27 21:02
Think Of A Rainbow
Just be yourself and always keep an open mind let your heart be light as a feather. Keep hope in your heart this will light the spark to what you need to know. Also a good way of expressing yourself is to practice writing your expressions out on paper first then you can act upon your emotions then cause it will be polished through practice. Love is the essence of my inner existence learn to shun in the resistance. Think of a rainbow.
Mario Vitale