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The perpetual universe theory

Submitted by vandiemenspeak on Wed, 2017-10-18 19:09

The perpetual universe theory

My world expands into a thousand billion soft strands
Of light and gold and the hold
Of a simple hand will make my heart
Patter,
Like butter, moulded
Me anew into something sweeter, and easier to behold..
You.

When you’re done, the universe, in reverse,
Does it physics, in verse, and engineers feats
Of emotional recoiling, and ensures a dampened heart..
And a dry thirsting spirit, toiling , awaiting that moist sweet rain,
That which became so familiar in..
You.

And when it rains, when you come, golden red in to
That diminished world, You knew, that all would become
Once more..
True,
And how it’s supposed to be.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
I am just finding my feet (pun intended) with words again, after a bit of a time-out/change. And finding my voice again. Thanks!
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Eumolpus

Wed, 2017-10-18 21:53

Eumolpus's picture

It's not clear to me if the pom is about a person or the muse. The only clue I have is "in verse"

There are a few aspects I don't think are "covered", meaning there is no reference to something in a poem in the poetic logic and they become dead ends. "when you're done"...not sure of that action. A dampened heart awaiting a moist rain is kind of a contradiction.

In the 2nd stanza I'm trying to connect the universe "in reverse"

in the last stanza

And when it rains, when you come, golden red in to
That diminished world, You knew, that all would become
Once more..
True,
And how it’s supposed to be.

I think "in to" has to be "into", and unsure of the Cap on You. But the problem for me is that all would become "true" but I'm not sure of what this truth is alluding to.

I am a big admirer of your work and look forward to you getting back in the grove. We all need a break to clear our heads. Glad you are posting stuff. One way to get back in..check out Twenty Little Poetry Projects by Jim Simmerman. It's brilliant.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

jane210660

Sun, 2017-10-22 07:18

jane210660's picture
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almost as a love song to the universe - or maybe someone who is your universe.
Hadn't realised you'd been away, as I have had a few weeks off, but always a pleasure to read your work and stretch my grey cells.
Jx

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