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Scary days.
On days you see your moon shinning in the day; days you feel like giving up.
Days the best of your comfort shoulders isn't there to rest on.
Days you needed to pour the river of bitterness ; tasting like a sour wine, chocking the whole of you.
Days drenched with acidic rain and your body look as though it never gonna heal.
Days humans comes with their switching nature, don't blame them they are just too fickle.
Rather take a long walk to the countryside,
Inhale air clearer than the blue sky over the mountains,
Exhale every bit of bitterness immersed inside of you.
It's too late to give up now, you've come a long way already.
Even when the sky is black, everyone still deserves a little kindness.
You deserve to live, you're not gonna die.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Comments
flora
Sun, 2017-10-15 19:42
Simple format
Simple format
author commentswamp-witch
Sun, 2017-10-29 17:58
Hello Flora,
There are some really powerful images in this first poem you've posted! "River of bitterness", "sour wine", and the black sky all really stand out. This poem has great potential and I think a little polishing and revision will help it shine through.
I would like to suggest that you think of ways to start the lines differently. With so many lines that all start with "Days", the poem becomes a bit repetitive. For instance, what do you think of something like this for the second line:
"When you crave comfort, but shoulders aren't there to rest on." I've changed the first word to "when" and made some little changes to word choice and subject-verb agreement to make the line more understandable.
Or what do you think of something like this for the fourth line:
"A time when the world is drenched with acidic rain and your body looks as though its never gonna heal." Again, there is a different beginning for variety and I made a few small changes to make nouns and pronouns match.
I hope you don't mind me making these suggestions. I just wanted to offer a little help and I hope these suggestions will give you ideas. You absolutely don't have to use them in the poem at all if you decide not to. It's your poem and your choice!
Hope this helps, looking forward to more of your writing.
Kelsey
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