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WALL SHADOW
On mornings which bear clear skies
when the sun completes its rise
sending light spears through the oaks tall
shadows appear on my den's wall.
Twigs', small limbs' and leaves' outline
even an occasional ivy vine
in lace like intricate detail
adorn a wall usually drab and pale.
But on mornings which have just a slight breeze
these still life shadows then unfreeze
and like a car put into drive
the kaleidoscope then comes alive.
So why can't we with just a nudge also
quit our ordinary life and grow
into more than we are now?
These shadows might just show us how.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Thu, 2017-09-21 11:41
Well, unless...
there is some kind of Zen lesson here, I don't know how these shadows are going to teach me how to live a different life. However; I am intrigued by the thought of them becoming animated with the breeze and providing a soothing, silent movie to enjoy. This is a nice, clear picture that I probably have witnessed many times on my own, yet hardly giving it a thought. Thanks for sharing. ~ Gee.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
scribbler
Thu, 2017-09-21 14:57
Hmmm....Hmmm.....
I guess the fault in mine for being too obscure. I'd hoped to get the point across that it doesn't take a lot to change from our regular selves to something far better.I guess the sledge hammer approach works best for me lol........stan
author commentChiori
Fri, 2017-09-22 04:40
I enjoyed this one
So why can't we with just a nudge also
quit our ordinary life and grow
into more than we are now?
These shadows might just show us how.
hmn, nice poem
always remember to make a critique of other poems
using the hoe is not madness for nothing
scribbler
Fri, 2017-09-22 12:22
Hello
Welcome to neopoet. I appreciate your time to read and comment..........stan
author commentEumolpus
Wed, 2017-09-27 00:25
your poem
Although I did not get all the intended meaning from your comments of what you set out to convey, I think it is good to take these risks when you're working with a "poetic symbol" , in this case the shadows.
In what is a poem with very nice nature images, my only comment is the introduction of this:
and like a car put into drive
the kaleidoscope then comes alive.
I can't see how the car in drive opens to a kaleidoscopic event. I would stay with nature like image to express this . (A flock of geese taking off for migration, a cheetah starting his chase, a cloud of butterflies emerging from the field, the sunflowers bursting from their stems , the clouds rushing to their shape shifting...??etc)
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
scribbler
Wed, 2017-09-27 08:26
Hi
As always it's good to see you drop by. A kaleidoscope is just an image until motion is introduced just as a car is just a hunk of metal until it is put into motion. But your suggestion of using something in nature instead of a car is sound and I'll see what I can come up with......stan
author commentlovedly
Thu, 2017-09-28 15:06
well frankly speaking I too was going to ask the link between
kaledio what and car
car is a junk of metal or plastic
kaleidoscope is
small pieces of glass trapped in
which distort light to create patterns
what and how does a car so do
kindly enlighten
stan lol 4 u
rflol 4 me
scribbler
Thu, 2017-09-28 21:40
Hi loved
The thing about neopoet is that being a workshop site improving on poems is not just allowed but expected
author commentlovedly
Thu, 2017-09-28 22:10
Yeah
lol first
then thanks
the rflol
4 me