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A Universe

Submitted by chevyvent on Thu, 2017-09-14 23:22

All these years later
I still dream of you
A day in the park
Late spring
Under that tree
Hiding from the sun
Half asleep
You
Tracing secrets
In the palm of my hand
Whispering a universe
Of desire
In my ear

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

themoonman

Sat, 2017-09-16 09:43

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There is room to make this an
even better poem but this truly has
to be one of your best that I've seen,
thanks for sharing.

Geezer

Sat, 2017-09-16 18:46

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is right about this being probably your best yet, but I'm having a bit of trouble in seeing how it could be better. ~ Gee.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

scribbler

Tue, 2017-09-19 22:26

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There's a thing I call form punctuation (I'm sure the experts call it something else) where judicial use of line spacing can be used to enhance specific parts of a poem. Were I the one who wrote this I'd have used them this way :
All these years later
I still dream of you..

A day in the park
Late spring
Under that tree
Hiding from the sun
Half asleep

You

Tracing secrets
In the palm of my hand
Whispering a universe
Of desire
In my ear

But that's just me and this poem is pretty powerful as is......stan

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