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Ghost

Submitted by alidzain on Mon, 2017-08-28 12:52

Do you know
what it feels
to be hollow,
to linger unseen?

I am one
with the dancing wind,,
a careless whisper,
the voice, unheard.

Trapped
in the cage of self.
Forsaken dreams
denying me peace.

Can you save me
from the reign of despair
where loneliness and emptiness
walk hand in hand everyday?

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Eumolpus

Mon, 2017-08-28 18:14

Eumolpus's picture

The form- Question/answer/answer/question really works. I cannot suggest to change anything.

Some kindred spirit to this poem can be found in the work of Forugh Farrokhzad, an Iranian poet. Translations from the Persian are available online, tell me if you can't locate, I'll send you some.

Your poem has many subtle images among its simple presentation:
I am one
with the dancing wind,,
a careless whisper,
the voice, unheard.

wow

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

alidzain

Tue, 2017-08-29 01:58

alidzain's picture

Thanks for the visit, the read and the comments. I'll check on the Iranian poet later. Thanks for the info. Glad you liked it.

Alid

author comment

themoonman

Mon, 2017-08-28 23:37

themoonman's picture
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I have been that ghost, I think most
have or will be, unless its just us, nahhh.

Haven't seen you in a while, strong little
poem, thanks for posting.

alidzain

Tue, 2017-08-29 02:04

alidzain's picture

it"s my pleasure. Of late I've been busy writing my malay poems, hoping to publish a book from them. Many of my malay poet-friends, including some veterans have been asking for it since I have started performing onstage and do serious writing since the last 5 years. Wish me luck, yeah

Alid

author comment
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