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" Forgive Me, For I Could Not Know"
I stumbled 'pon some crumbling graves
Of whom, or which I could not know
Had died in peace, or maybe not
I mulled but still, I could not know.
A legacy of great, big men
Could be interred beneath the stone
Yet thinking there for quite some time
There'd been no way I could have known...
"Forgive me men, I could not tell
Nor keep, salute or even know
The greatness that could maybe be
I'm sorry men, I could not know..."
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Sparrow
Thu, 2017-08-24 03:53
Basya
There in the church yards and cemeteries throughout the world are many you will never know.
But to know that in their life, was your life also, even the lowliest grave may contain the remains of a person, that may have been the reason no matter how small for you to be here today.
Each action of all people that walked the Earth could have had an effect on your life each day.
Just acknowledge that they walked the earth before you did.
Tell me of one race of people in all history that hasn't had an effect on your present life???
From the lonely goat tender in a desert, to a Queen or King sitting on a throne they have allowed you to be here, thank all of them and know that we cannot know all of them but Honour them for being part of us..
Yours as always Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
swamp-witch
Thu, 2017-08-24 17:29
Hey Basya
I'm not great with classical western forms, but I know this feeling that the poem presents. We feel so small in a graveyard of the many people who came before us, but also more connected to them than we can usually feel anywhere else. It is definitely bittersweet, but just like Ian says, the important thing is to remember that everyone in the past, great or small, is a part of the reason we are here today.
If I could make a small suggestion, on the last line of the second stanza I think "There'd been" is a little wordy. "There had been no way I could have known" is perfectly grammatical, but "There was no way I could have known" would be slightly more succinct. I am not sure if that will disrupt the poem's meter, but consider if it you would like. It's up to you and I hope that helps.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Take care,
Kelsey
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