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Random Haiku

Submitted by T. Harmonee on Thu, 2017-08-03 15:12

Rain has drowned me
While standing by my mother's grave,
it is Mother's Day.

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

brittle light

Thu, 2017-08-03 15:23

brittle light's picture

nice

I will nit pick a little for my own sake

rain falls upon me
while standing by mama's grave
it is mother's day

it is always your choice as to how to respond to a critique
I am not a syllable counter myself,, but most are at first.
repeating words in a piece so short is not ideal

thank you for the haiku... I like haiku

regards,

Al

Keith Logan

Mon, 2017-08-07 17:57

Keith Logan's picture
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from Al's excellent suggestion, may i say
Rain falls upon me
well, that's what rain does, it falls.
How about something more intimate?
Rain washes over me
or
Rain soaks into me
or anything else that makes it more your own.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

T. Harmonee

Mon, 2017-08-07 23:12

T. Harmonee's picture

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind

"Poetry is music for the human voice. Until you actually speak it or someone speaks it, it has not come into it's own."
- Maya Angelou

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