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The ocean within us

Submitted by vandiemenspeak on Fri, 2017-07-07 09:49

I started out on the sea, the sea,
with a fleeting image, jostling for you,
the first attempt, was a rude raft built
of wattle and clay by memory formed,
and it did not float, and I paid with salt.

I made my second essay out of the headlands,
into the bar, and assailed you with words
of the ocean, and mythical men
to tease you and lure you from the stars,
to tug you away from your rocks so far,
far flung across my sea,

So small it was back then, so timorous to swell,
and slow to bloat, and not privy to the earth's gravity,
but antediluvian as I am, waited long and prayed
by the shore and made of the rain, all that I am,
And prayed for the rain to raise my sea,
then built a boat, but left it by the ocean

There, sat high on a treeless hill, on my sparse end of the earth,
I looked and looked on horizons and knew,
that somewhere out there your phantom lurked,
somewhere out there a form of you worked,
as did I to bridge that giant, endless blue bowl,
bubbling at froth on our burgeoning world.

And time that waits, for tide that turns,
to man and woman, who stand soft eyed on shores
so far, distanced and slowly, by dropping sun, burn.

Hear me, hear me, queen of the seas!
Dash away this distance tyranny,
this yearned for ocean,
that became our devotion,
so vast, and in its quick of nascent love,
grew and grew into something built to surge,
and inundate all of our ways, pool our lands
and leave us swimming, in a new world
looking, looking for that longed for hand

That longed for hand reaching out of the roar
that will grasp as firm as mine will yours
and the ocean within us, that grew into
the world, will find and fill and settle
its shores, all dues of Ark paid,
and leave us a small little island just there
underneath the silvery sun, where we will be
alive and drenched, windswept to strive
to the ways of our new world,
from our shore to a wide eternity,
of endless waves.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
No great revelation here, all I can say is this is an Odyssey for me, also, never underestimate the magical force of museums, and how they can change your life. A few small changes, all I can do tonight...battery..my kingdon for a charger, left in some other bloody room..
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

weirdelf

Fri, 2017-07-07 11:08

weirdelf's picture
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and beautifully word-crafted.
It just begged a reading but I did something a bit naughty. I copied it into Word and removed the line breaks and read from that. What do you think, really?
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/the-ocean-within-us

to tease you and tear your from afar, [tear you?]

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

vandiemenspeak

Sat, 2017-07-08 09:56

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The way that you read it, was extremely moving. I can't say why, just a great reading, and the line breaks, make perfect sense. I'm going to re-work - and tear, yes - harsh? I have a slightly unusual way of working, where each part is composed, separately if you will, then glued together - the idea comes first, then a short piece is put away, then a second, a third. It does warrant reformatting - but your reading is absolutely just the right tone, and is again very much appreciated.
To work, with much more insight, and assistance from this audio - you're a champion Jess.

Cheers,

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

riotface97

Sat, 2017-07-08 06:42

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And first let me say that I absolutely love the ending. How (to me) the voice went from this structured (yet, partially disjointed) pattern into a more free-flowing form. I thought the contrast worked really well and gave a sense of poignancy to the piece overall. Just a few sentences that seemed slightly abrupt and (to me) detracted from the real strength of the other passages. "The first attempt, was a rude raft" and the word "flotilla." They just seemed a little bit clunky. However, in saying that, this only stood out due to the strength of sections like the last stanza. Great read, look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

Nick.

riotface97

Sat, 2017-07-08 06:42

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And first let me say that I absolutely love the ending. How (to me) the voice went from this structured (yet, partially disjointed) pattern into a more free-flowing form. I thought the contrast worked really well and gave a sense of poignancy to the piece overall. Just a few sentences that seemed slightly abrupt and (to me) detracted from the real strength of the other passages. "The first attempt, was a rude raft" and the word "flotilla." They just seemed a little bit clunky. However, in saying that, this only stood out due to the strength of sections like the last stanza. Great read, look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

Nick.

vandiemenspeak

Sat, 2017-07-08 10:05

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And as in the first 'essay' this is the first attempt,and with Jess giving it a voice, plus your suggestions, I now have something to work with. I did for a long time - write in strict meter - but never dreamt of putting anything on the web, after wrestling for a number of years with sonnets and villanelles and other experiments, I stopped for quite a while. The move between the strict and the susceptible form, is quite deliberate for me. This does need some re-work and substitution though, and I will have another go.

Many thanks.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

weirdelf

Sat, 2017-07-08 07:37

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Yeah, listening again a lot of the clunkiness is just breathing and stumbling errors. I few re-takes and I could do it better for sure.
I've used that approach of reading from prose form before and I think it works well for good poetry. Hence the problems here were not the poem but the reading.
Mate, I am far better at critique than at poetry, doesn't bother me, one plays to ones strengths and I don't denigrate myself as a poet. Just glad to help when I can.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

vandiemenspeak

Sat, 2017-07-08 10:11

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And it has greatly assisted my ear, in understanding where certain words don't lean together. My renewed efforts will be in large part inspired by your reading.
You know what, bollocks to it, I should get a bit more practice in reciting, would you be offended if I had a crack at one of yours?

Cheers,

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

weirdelf

Sat, 2017-07-08 10:51

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I'd be chuffed.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

vandiemenspeak

Sat, 2017-07-08 11:54

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Just as soon as I find my decent mic, and with a fresh set of eyes in the morning, being summoned, but will report back, probably on IM.

Cheers,

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

weirdelf

Sat, 2017-07-08 20:59

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good quality sound for music and you've heard the mic quality. $165 but you can get functional gear a lot cheaper.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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