Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

A shard granite lump,that lays in ancient loam

A shard granite lump,that lays in ancient loam

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Adjusted - battery about to die! that's it.. My line involving a 'rock' evoking by use of situation, and maybe historical context some image in the readers head. For the imagery in poetry workshop. Cheers. Chris.
Editing stage: 

Comments

shard is evocative, lump contraposes it
granite is igneous rock, hence un-metamorphosed by heat, pressure and time.
lying in ancient loam provides a sense of meaning in human context.
Crikey! You couldn't pack in much more imagery!

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I think I see what you are trying to accomplish by using "shard". But at least to me a shard id a sharpened piece of stone and I'm pretty sure granite's composition precludes giving to a cutting edge. But regardless this line has a Lot going for it........stan

I could see flint instead of granite.
I still visualise something ancient and undisturbed, made of rock.
Hint of Lord of the Rings.
Jx

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

It's not impossible to get a shard from granite.
To me this is incredibly dense imagery.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

But then someone like Stan might expect readers to have no prior knowledge of anything.

In which case this is a bit of granite on dirt.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

like Jess, I think the imagery is dense.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Nelsons column in ten thousand years, or granite in the funerary sense. I could have gone with flint - but flint entails fire, perhaps extinguished, buried in deep loam? This is very useful folks.

Thanks.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

I see a fallen tombstone.
Jx

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

Onya Stan, great workshop already.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

The meaning of the words are fluid, subjective, if you will, and should be - it is the feelings the stream of words invoke in the reader's heart and mind that are the result that counts.
This one? Counts.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

shards always bring broken clay pots to mind first then chips left from the making of stone arrowheads second. just a personal thing

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.