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Silent Ashes

Submitted by chevyvent on Fri, 2017-05-26 19:00

a swell in my heart
eyes, ears & heart
within silent pain lights the flame of deeper desire
you unlocked a dream to unfold

She dances on a ring of fire
Yet throws off its challenge with a shrug
how great a poet knows
let the truth be told onto a newer episode

Torn illumination
Cascading briars taunt the inner radiance inside
Satanic demons in the wine you had for supper
Alone in a fever pitched aside

We all seek to run away & hide
from the path of least resistance
join the hands & join the resistance
we are living on borrowed time

A challenge to be free is a question of time !

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Eumolpus

Fri, 2017-05-26 22:03

Eumolpus's picture

I read it over several times...I'm sorry...I just don't understand it. :(
I wish I could.
At first I feel I'm in a lovely love poem, then it becomes like political...

Help me out! There are some very good lines and motion in the poem.

a few small notes. I can't help thinking of the Johnny Cash song "Ring of Fire", because it's such a classic. I don't think you have a connection there.
As far as punctuation, while yes there are no rules, my own very personal opinion is use it all the way, or don't use at all. Using it sometimes for me degrades the craftmanship of a poem.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

weirdelf

Sat, 2017-05-27 13:25

weirdelf's picture
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I tried three times and stumbled (yes, I'm sober). You haven't done any workshops, have you? Meter is arguably the most single most important aspect of poetic craft and you need to learn it. A few other workshops wouldn't hurt as well.

Like Eumolpus I feel your meaning is unclear, you jump from statement to statement without connection or segue.

I did my old trick of paste it into Word and formatting it as prose and guess what? It didn't make sense.

Think about what you really want to say here, to who, and try again.

And please don't use ampersands instead of 'and', it is lazy and seldom justified.

Despite all the negative things I've said here I think you have the makings of a good poem if you just think it through. Think what you are trying to say.
Good luck.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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