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The Ancients

Submitted by chevyvent on Fri, 2017-05-05 18:33

It's my last day with the old giants
In mourning I hike the lost trails,
sniffing the aroma of the bark,
that cinnamon of the forest
Under tepees of wood
in a membrane of shadows,
I stalk the earth, its mammal traces,
its elusive tracks,
to sit on a fallen log
where spiders macramé,
moss sloping to my knees
unaware of invisibles within,
grubbing in their tunnels
A lizard taps my foot,
responding, I muse to its touch,
my thoughts like Indian visions,
And when daylight mushrooms into night,
and an owl hoots from cedar,
I still sit with a lizard on my shoe
Huddled with the ancients of the woods

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Eumolpus

Fri, 2017-05-05 19:00

Eumolpus's picture

Got me very involved immediately and accompanying you in those woods. Filled with scents and words that read like butter. Love the connection of all through the lizard. A joy to read.
If I may, after a few readings I stop on the word mushroom as a verb..also the image does not p
Resonate for me. Other than that, I would'nt change a thing.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Eumolpus

Fri, 2017-05-05 19:00

Eumolpus's picture

Got me very involved immediately and accompanying you in those woods. Filled with scents and words that read like butter. Love the connection of all through the lizard. A joy to read.
If I may, after a few readings I stop on the word mushroom as a verb..also the image does not p
Resonate for me. Other than that, I would'nt change a thing.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

themoonman

Fri, 2017-05-05 21:22

themoonman's picture
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This is really an involving poem,
sharp images with taste and smell.

I do think it could be improved, I'll
just give a couple of suggestions if
you don't mind.

"sniffing the aroma of the bark"
In my opinion, "sniffing" isn't needed
here, aroma eloquently covers the
smelling part ... you could further
allow the reader access with other
word choices like ... "taking in, surrounded
by, encircled in" or something else.

Same sort of thing in another sentence;
"under teepees of wood" I really like the
word teepees here, but you don't need
"wood". It's already established you are
in the woods, the sentence before that
one mentions the forest ... you could
say something like; "under the fresh
green teepees"

Just suggestions, this poem already works
and really has some great lines,
I love "where the spiders macrame"

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