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Luckiest Dad In the World

- Still the luckiest dad

Where do I begin LJ,
My love will never end LJ,
I know in my own heart son,
You're a work of art son;
Such a masterpiece to me,
That's why it is clear to see
Only God took His time to create
For me a little son this great.

I'm still the dad who's proud,
And I'm still the dad who's true,
And I really miss you right now,
Even after all we've been through.

- Still the luckiest dad

I'm still the luckiest dad
To have a son just like you,
And I'm still the one who's glad
To say this dad still loves you.

- Still the luckiest dad

... in the world.

Time just really flies young man,
It made me realize young man,
That my world moves and stops for you,
It freezes and heats on things you do;
So son let me keep my best blue skies,
That's from a shine of your brown eyes,
My true happiness is in your smile,
Because you'll always be my firstborn child.

I'm still the dad who's proud,
And I'm still the dad who's true,
And I really miss you right now,
Even after all we've been through.

- Still the luckiest dad

I'm still the luckiest dad
To have a son just like you,
And I'm still the one who's glad
To say this dad still loves you.

- Still the luckiest dad

... in the world.

Editing stage: 

Comments

and the repeated use of the word 'still' made me wonder if he had committed a murder or something.
If it is not parody and he hasn't done something awful then, sorry, this is soppy, cliched and sentimental.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

A simple device repeating the end of lines on and two of certain stanzas. At first I didn't like it. Personally I felt it was lazy when I first read this. On the second read through I thoroughly enjoyed the repetition because it didn't feel forced. It was a conversation with reassurance of the topic. Very nice. I plan to try to use that at least once going forward. Thanks for the idea and the read

Unto Oblivion, We Depart

doesn't anyone have a problem with the repeated use of the word 'still'?
It's I like "I still love you despite..."

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I'm under the impression this is written at different points in life. So the still is just a reminder of how he cares for him even later on. Personal thought on it anyway. Repetition for reassurance

Unto Oblivion, We Depart

I agree with Malice2112 on the use of 'still'...I got that it was a reminisce, a looking -back over a child's life. Repetition for remembrance and as Malice2112 said 'reassurance'.

What the heck is wrong with being sentimental over your children anyway? How is that a BAD thing? For goodness sake. I can't even mention my daughter's name in conversation with strangers without this surge of emotion & yes, sentimentality that creeps up.

Could it be that you have a great well of loving compassion? I'd rather that than snide cynicism.

I actually liked it for all the above reasons.
Ells

When I use the word in a derogatory sense it is when the expression of feeling or emotion feels forced, try hard, cliched or as one dictionary puts it
3. weakly emotional; mawkishly susceptible or tender:

Snide? I get the message.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

How you see this piece as forced emotion or cliched or 'tender' when others get the point.

I have used the very phrase "I'm still your mum, you know"...to my 25 year old daughter. A reminder of my role. 'Still' used as a constant force. It has power.

My opinions count for little on this site, but I would of chosen the exact same lexis for a reminisce piece
which this clearly is. You just can't or more likely, won't see it.
Ells

Your own work never is cliched. Interesting.

On re-reading again I was wrong about the use of the word still, and still see cliche.

I can't help wondering if you are more interested in attacking me for offering serious critique or perhaps for some injury or insult (“The thousand injuries of Weirdelf I had borne as I best could, but when he ventured upon insult I vowed revenge.") than offering anything useful to Lamar.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

As a Private Message. Not attacking anyone. I believe If I scrolled back to some of my writes I too was attacked for 'cliche'.

So, as you don't use the pm button I'll say what I want to say. Your 'serious critique' comes over, time & again with such a nasty, biting vitriol. There is a way to nuture this craft, your approach puts off so many.

'Useful to Lamar"?

'I have used the very phrase "I'm still your mum, you know"...to my 25 year old daughter. A reminder of my role. 'Still' used as a constant force. It has power.I agree with Malice2112 on the use of 'still' '

'I got that it was a reminisce, a looking -back over a child's life. Repetition for remembrance and as Malice2112 said 'reassurance'.

So this discourse was useful in eliciting a 'On re-reading again I was wrong about the use of the word still'...

I rest my case. QED!

This should have been conducted by PM from the "snide cynicism" snipe. That's where the attack started.
And if I have given you crit for cliche that is not an attack, it is what the site is for, or is that one of your opinions that you think "count for little on this site", that it should not be a poetry workshop?
Let's move this to PM now, ok?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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