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Trapped
It seems I can't find freedom from doubt
This clings and impedes some of my clout
The rest is at war with a regime of self-pity
Flanking my self-esteem with regret; empathy
Frets with an obscene gesture of disrespect
As if I hadn't shown simplicity to direct
It to safety instead like myself it stayed to adapt
To the only opinion that weans on the fact
That I'm trapped......
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
This is write of a description of depression
Editing stage:
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Comments
swamp-witch
Sat, 2017-03-18 17:37
Hey jzarmel
I suffer from depression so this poem feels very familiar to me.
This type of poem is called a lyric poem (learn more here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lyric_poetry) and I think you've done a good job to represent depression as more than typical sadness. Even the way that you ended the last line with "trapped" and opened the title with "Trapped" symbolizes the feeling. The bottom line is that we can feel helpless. Depression is often the result of the brain's chemistry, something totally out of our control, or the result of tragedy, again, outside of our control. Not only can we feel trapped in a bad situation, but we can feel trapped in our own mind or with our own thoughts.
If I could make the tiniest suggestion, I feel like the rhyme takes away from the message of the poem. Depression is so serious, and to me, rhyme often feels very sing-song. You might consider synonyms or reordering the thoughts if you decide that you'd like to adjust the poems' words to fit the mood more.
I often feel like writing it out is the best thing for my depression; It's catharsis. It lets me take some control back by letting me articulate everything that is overwhelming me. If I can put it into words, then I can recognize it as something tangible and ever so slightly more manageable.
Take care,
Kelsey
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