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Dog suite number two

Submitted by vandiemenspeak on Tue, 2017-03-07 07:17

"Black dog begins to dream"

When black dog begins to dream
of chasing butterflies around the yard
he seems to think they’re real

Exhausted, panting, comes to rest
from this form of vocation,
this chasing of beauty-

His teasing phantoms float up
to the canopies of tree and sky
and there emboldened by air
simply flee

And on they fly as dreams depart
as dreams themselves depart
the garden,

Into the warmth and numinous
unknown blue of space,
snout skyward, dog eyes trace their last dance

As if, he caught one winged fragment
of such fragility, what then would he do,
but wake?

"Samsara"

I hear down there
distant hens
distraught in the valley,
the dog is upon them

I want to save them, but
the rush from here to there
would be senseless

I feel the wind climbing the valley
clothing our bakied skin
with cool relief

I feel it as a deep kindness,
I want to keep the wind here,
but the wind will not be kept
and leaves to thunder in trees

I hear a singular trill
of curative bells,
I want the knell to sing in pooled water
but it too ebbs away

into a further gentle silence
where the frantic dogs bark
at the intrusion of thought-

I want the power to give them to silence
but dogs will bark, thought will remain

The thought that circled you and I
was good and never should
be broken

But a circle it is
and our lives contained within,
will be free to spool, like yarn
that cannot tie.

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Last few words:

Been away a while - just trying out few things, dusting off the old machinery, starting the notebook again -go easy on me fellas.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Tue, 2017-03-07 12:03

I love dogs...

and though I like many of your lines... I feel as if this poem is a bit disjointed. Try to leave out redundant verbs and adjectives. [distant hens, curative trill] should suffice. I think that writing is kind of like riding a bike. If you don't ride for a long time, you get a bit shaky, but just a bit of practice and you return to your old level of skill. You sir, have the skill, you just need a little practice. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

vandiemenspeak

Wed, 2017-03-08 07:20

Thanks Geezer, and useful..

The second one, I could definitely trim a bit, what is it they say "cut all you beauties"? I think it would read better too, so i'll have a crack at that when I can give it some time.
Hopefully the first one in my little suite, seemed a little less flowery? I think that one reads better. It's a bit sneaky, - two poems for the price of one really. It's been a while, and I've got a lot of ideas jotted down, just need to find my feet as you rightly say.

Cheers.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

vandiemenspeak

Wed, 2017-03-08 07:33

Thanks for having a look Jerry..

Glad you enjoyed, and I'm checking out your site as I write this.

Cheers,

Chris.

PS I loved the sequence of lights in your poem "Lovers lighthouse" - what an image! I had a crack at describing the journey to Bruny Island lighthouse here: https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/lighthouse-seekers

In Tasmania, we have (as far as i know) the most southerly lighthouse left in the old colonies, on this fantastic mysterious little islet - Maatsuyker:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maatsuyker_Island_Lighthouse

Fascinating places indeed!

Chris Hall - Tasmania

author comment

Esker

Fri, 2017-03-10 16:05

of fang and beak

we growled like dogs
in stand off hackle
she watches
eyes ablaze

'u were fighting over me'
later
'yes but not for u'
there is a difference

the maze of knossos
can knit its tapestry
later

the slow keyed tempo of
the write with its danger dogs
the striking of wind animation
of the trees and tolling bells
voice rolling away

like love that deafens the senses
like the sea angry with winded spray
drenching

drawn to the excitement of the action
but the love of the delicate flowery
ensured world...the to no insurance
is a world unto itself

i live both
taking the sedated house life
but find im clumsy in this role
so i head out where i can lope
and run..gnarl and roll
but pay dearly

they both know the butter side
of the bread i favor

there are more then two

life of the wanderer traveller
and charmer
and man about town

i like the old school way of
your writing
and detailing of words
high def imagery

my friends i liked cause
they had that way of settling
with their mistresses and women
and they liked me because i
liked the crazy worlds
trying to tame the untameable
thinking i was tame was lame

they know the women
my ladies
when i need a fire
i can settle and curl
up
set aside the show

excellent form
been wondering where
u were

glad to see your return

is it sad for a circle to
broken...yes
ask johnny cash
winehouse and cobain

for all the dreamers
out there

Thank U Chris!

Mr Wolf!

vandiemenspeak

Thu, 2017-03-16 09:41

and snagged tooth

or is it truth snaggled..? Thanks Esk,it's been a while, I thought i might be greedy, and butter the bread on both sides! Two for the price of one, come and get 'em while they're hot..
Sorry, late here and writing this in a wonky car..
The seesaw will settle, and balance will return, a bag full of poems from wandering, and some time to catch up soon.
Heading to the big smoke next week, life in hotels and mild mannered debauchery, does a good muse maketh ;)
Nice to hear you again buddy, thanks for checking it out.
Chris

Chris Hall - Tasmania

author comment

vandiemenspeak

Tue, 2017-03-21 07:42

Furthermore into the mire,, Msr Esk..

I write this from a burlesque in the fair city of Sidney.

This was not my intention - i expect to leave the casino as planned by alcho-metabolism - by approx. 2 am. I have my eye on curvilinear lovelies that line the shadowy bar.
I will, future, past and present - mindfully compromise myself in the most inglorious, riotous and subversive way. This too is is inexcusable - yet incompatible and inevitable.
I salute you sir.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

author comment

Esker

Tue, 2017-03-21 10:11

apt visage

the wolf in the hen house...the black dog..running the birds..
HA..for me Aussie vaguely feels like what vegas might have been
mid fifties....the masculine but wild frontier...cigarette girls and
show girls....the gunslingers and atomic minglers

Burlesque...Johnette Neopolita sings from Concrete Heart
friend of mine a showman of sorts said I would love it there
the dog in the works threw me...a figure in the beauty and stately
order of the old victorian towns...like post cards
and the dilemna...

a gradual shift..But I enjoy the works

i..far from the saint enjoy the odd 'excursion'
suppose many men have more then their
better half for entertainments

strip clubs...had two old ones...the modern
one in town kept going
five buck covers
the high red head who put us on the map
for a Hustler lay out...(had the issue)
got thick skin and is bossy...
well...according to the steppie who worked
the busiest retail chain grocery mega store
as check out girl...said she would come
through her till and be a b***** said she
had some lackey good looker hauling her
groceries...which sounds accurate
for the girls....
laughed at that one...
but steppie said she only went through her
till....I told her that alpha good looking women
do that....they know they are beautiful or pretty
and can have the attention of the mans libido
and wallet if they work it right! but they are
surrounded by others with either the correct
face or body and movements...like being work
related....on vacation we often find other who
work similar trades....interests..
I had meant to go see her do a show..been
years since I been to them....finally the steppie
turned eighteen and with her them BF...forget
which number that one was...they paid the
five dollar cover....'I beat u seeing Shauna'
she did admit it was a lot of work how they danced
moved....worked the crowd...
yes..and all the money or majority goes to help
launder...i mean help the club...i mean place
of employment!
but she refers to the showperson as
'our shauna' should i bring her up when
visiting.

Rena worked there and her mom

well mate...ur living...surviving and still
writing....been through the old rejected
or ejected into the world many times
Out of the breech....should be a poem
title....been drawn in kicked out from
womens mad lives forever..
makes for great writing
once the dust and boo hoos are over
with....
I find its the taste of freedom
I greatly require...
but I like that they let me
near again
with a more sublte ego....
slightly...

black dog dreams

excellent title!

vandiemenspeak

Wed, 2017-03-22 08:44

A less naive moth

..nears the flame.

I see your point.

The storm rages and it rages
hotel rooms provide quiet solace to
the wandering sleepless incubation
of those outside
who seek your soft underbelly
your loneliness in wandering
and sought sluice of vertiginous
lust
the trust comes from staying
and staying,
slaking the thirst

Find in your meanderings,
a solace.

Take care.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

author comment

Neopoet

Dog suite number two

Comments

I love dogs...

Thanks Geezer, and useful..

Thanks for having a look Jerry..

of fang and beak

and snagged tooth

Furthermore into the mire,, Msr Esk..

apt visage

A less naive moth

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