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so long since the dawn of dusk

Submitted by nokros on Sat, 2013-12-07 15:12

i am young in my dreams again.
i can shoot marbles and win again.
the rail line still shivers under the
patient iron wheels of a train that
passed all those years ago. i still
wear the hole in my shaded pants
which my mother meant to mend.
i still chase after the pigeon that
escaped to the gutter on the roof.
my teacher dusts his well-worn
shoes before he turns to the
homework we did not do.

so long since the dawn of dusk.
so long since i heard that song.
how long till i won't have to wrap
my dreams in bandages again.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

Artyfax

Sat, 2013-12-07 17:51

Hi There ...

I feel a little bit out of my depth commenting upon poems on here, but here goes anyway.
I like the way this begins and love the last four lines but I feel a little uneasy about the portion from "memory of my father's voice" to "soul's content". I am not sure why but it doesn't seem to work as well as the rest of the poem.
Although I like those last four lines, may I suggest a change for your consideration. The last line reads, "my dreams in bandages again." I would see bandage (singular) giving a better feel to the line for me.
For the same reason is impatient better than patient (line 4).
And finally, would faded make more sense than shaded. (line 6)

nokros

Sun, 2013-12-08 04:58