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old feather
white dove feather
fell to sand
small wind gathered surf,
spraying faces
assembled there
clock ticked twice
died --
no more time
white dove feather
fell to sand
sun illumined
it fell
surf touched it
sand caressed it
ocean swallowed it
dove flew on --
old feather
anyway.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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Comments
judyanne
Thu, 2010-11-04 10:14
made me laugh
so beautiful, i'm floating along with the gentleness and beauty
so be pulled up short by the last lines
love it victor
you have used the word 'gathered' twice in the second stanza
- i don't know if you meant to but to my read it doesn't need to be there for any emphasis
maybe you want to change one of them?
cheers
judy
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Victorclaude
Thu, 2010-11-04 10:20
Judy,
Judy,
Right you are, and I changed it. I had really never noticed that before. Sometimes, I love editors. This is one of those.
Thank you, so much~!~
Ciao,
Victor
"When a pickpocket meets a holy man all he sees are his pockets."
Unknown (at least to me)
author commentthemoonman
Thu, 2010-11-04 10:38
Victor...
No connectors ... and it worked well !
the one thing I noticed when reading aloud,
and it may just be my old country self, but...
"it fell", perhaps "then fell"
either way it does deliver, just seems to fall
off my tongue easier with the "then"
great ending, didn't see that coming at all
and I love that !!
Richard
Victorclaude
Thu, 2010-11-04 14:34
Thanks for the read, Richard.
Thanks for the read, Richard.
Glad you liked it.
Ciao,
Victor
"When a pickpocket meets a holy man all he sees are his pockets."
Unknown (at least to me)
author commentVictorclaude
Thu, 2010-11-04 14:35
Rosina,
Rosina,
Muchas gracias!!
Always great to hear from you.
Thanks much,
Victor
"When a pickpocket meets a holy man all he sees are his pockets."
Unknown (at least to me)
author commentVictorclaude
Thu, 2010-11-04 14:37
As always, Shirley, I am
As always, Shirley, I am humbled by your praise.
Thank you,
Ciao,
Victor
"When a pickpocket meets a holy man all he sees are his pockets."
Unknown (at least to me)
author commentscribbler
Thu, 2010-11-04 15:36
feather
it seems too many old things we were once attached to are too easily lost. A deep simple write......scribbler
Victorclaude
Sat, 2010-11-06 17:33
Scribbler,
Scribbler,
What you say is true, but in this case the feather wasn't missed.
Thank you,
Victor
"When a pickpocket meets a holy man all he sees are his pockets."
Unknown (at least to me)
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