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Paradise Lost

I was
two sided mintage;
sculptured perfection;
both stranger and pilgrim,
passing through.

But I lived as if I forever
belonged to this land.

And, within the violence of
forgotten illusion
where past and future
merge as today,

the coin has lost the emboss;

has become scratched metal,
unable to grasp
the truth of the now.
.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

moving
painting a seascene
or the emotive
power of human
endurance and survival
U do both well

and for all living
is something we
strive and whats
best for us!

thank U!

all the analogies metaphor
value...the meaning
of meaning
the mar of life
losing the gift that
which was given in
our eye
the impression remains
memory

thank U!

for the very supportive crits
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Really enjoyed your poem - it feels innovative in style and interesting in content. At first a line jarred a bit but I'm not sure how to correct it, if at all...warming to it:

as past and future
merge to today,

Thought at first to delete 'to today' as it feels a bit cumbersome repetition of 'to', and I felt it would suggest today anyway... Maybe:

as past and future
meet this day (or: 'merge to the present')

Loved:

within the violence of
forgotten illusion

Glad you enjoyed this
Thanks so much for your thoughts - I will think about your suggestion
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

what do you think?
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

love this... it's like music!! :)

A lost country, a past that was perfect, untarnished. The future uncertain. i particularly liked the symbol of the coin, scratched away, losing it's meaning, as though a coin toss would mean nothing, perhaps? Very prescient given our current situation down here. loved this Judy, nothing to suggest :)

Take care,

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

Thanks heaps for the read and very supportive comment
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

beautifully said and love the coin analogy... top stuff

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