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Who, me?
Hey, you, young man over there
with your colorful clothes
and that greasy long hair
We have no vacancy here
Perhaps you could stay
at a place, that's a little less fare
Hey, you, young man over there
with your colorful tie
and that greased back hair
We have many a room here
for men of your stature. Please,
won't you come in, join our affair
Hey, you
Who, me?
Yes, you
How did you get in here?
Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Why I believe you have, kind sir
for it was not long ago
when I came calling at your door.
You claimed there was no vacancy
Then later let me in, unknowing
that I was the man, from before
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Keith Logan
Wed, 2016-04-20 03:36
Titles
are sometimes difficult to settle on. In this case I think your chosen title gives away too much of what should not be revealed until the turn. There are two fairly good nondescript titles that are suggested from the first and last lines.
young man over there
and
the man from before
Personally, I prefer the latter.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
Rula
Wed, 2016-04-20 12:11
Sarcastically
humorous!!
I read this as just one face of many of racism's, please let me know if I am not on the right track.
Anyway, I agree that a different title might shed a better light on the message of this piece.
I also, though could be only me, thought this piece lacks to some extent the poetry elements that you excelled at using them most often. Just me perhaps.
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