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Just passing Through
You said you're no one; a just passer-through,
a mere dim light, a shadow in the night,
a guest, who seeks some rest, a farewell, adieu.
You said you're no one; a just passer-through,
but you infused my pen with muse anew,
and stirred my heart, you glimmered my sight
though you said you're no one; a passer- through,
a mere dim light, a shadow in the night.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
lovedly
Tue, 2016-04-19 17:09
glad for you Rula
he passed through
and left a lovely shadow
of a muse
in you
Rula
Wed, 2016-04-20 09:46
Thank you
Lovedly. Appreciate your kind words.
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Keith Logan
Wed, 2016-04-20 06:20
Knock You on your back?
I think not. The title is apt.
Language, bright and descriptive.
Rhythm, fluid.
Pattern, consistent throughout.
Pacing, easy flow.
In fact it benefits from the fact that English is not your first language.
Such wonderful phrases as glimmered my sight would be unlikely from a native speaker.
All in all, it worked for me.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
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Rula
Wed, 2016-04-20 09:51
Thank you
Mr. Logan for the visit.
The triolet, is one french form. You might like to give it a shot if you haven't yet.
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Keith Logan
Thu, 2016-04-21 02:20
I have tried
and failed so badly that I did not even keep an archive of my efforts. At the time, I was searching out different forms and trying to master them. I came to the conclusion that the percentage of readable poems that came from these exercises was so poor that the effort was essentially a waste of time. Yours is indeed one of the better ones but I stand by that decision for self.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
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alidzain
Thu, 2016-04-21 05:28
Salam, Rula
How do you write a triolet?
Alid
Rula
Thu, 2016-04-21 10:19
Salam brother
This french form is not a strict one in meter or syllable count like the sonnet. Tetrameter or pentameter most likely to be. It is eight lines. The refrain is repeated on line 4 and 7. The second line is repeated in line 8 with the rhyme scheme ABaAabAB where the capital
A and B stand for the refrain repeated.
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Roscoe Lane
Wed, 2016-04-20 00:24
Only,
Only change i'd make is in line six, ( you stirred my heart, glimmered my sight.) apart from that i like it very much. Love Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
Rula
Wed, 2016-04-20 09:54
Hello Rosco
Great to see you here. I appreciate it if you tell me what/why exactly you didn't like that line.
Appreciate your feedback.
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eightmenout
Wed, 2016-04-20 01:40
Dearest Rula
Thank you for posting. You have the bones of a wonderful poem here. I shall return to it with my full thoughts later as a muse has struck me.
Scott
Rula
Wed, 2016-04-20 09:56
dearest Scott
I shall be waiting for your feedback. Hope it's not that bad :)
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raj
Wed, 2016-04-20 14:28
Hi Rula
This appears to conform to some kind of poetry form because I can see refrains and may be some rhyme sequence too...apparently a tough ask for amateurs like me....i liked it...have you deliberately omitted the word [just] in the refrain at L7? you always like to try out some novel forms like the one you have posted here..
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Thu, 2016-04-21 10:42
Hello raj
Thanks for passing through :)
I don't know why do you insist on belittling yourself. Everyone knows that you write great poetry. Now,
About this form you're right, it's a french form "triolet". Hope you would give it a shot. No strict meter or syllable count.
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raj
Fri, 2016-04-22 16:00
Triolet? What is the
Triolet? What is the configuration like of this form?
raj (sublime_ocean)
Sparrow
Fri, 2016-04-22 16:33
raj
Triolet
Poem
A triolet is a stanza poem of eight lines. Its rhyme scheme is ABaAabAB and often all lines are in iambic tetrameter: the first, fourth and seventh lines are identical, as are the second and final lines, thereby making the initial and final couplets identical as well.
Hope this explains what you are looking for, Yours Ian..
.
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Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
raj
Fri, 2016-04-22 16:52
Thanks Ian for an elaborate
Thanks Ian for an elaborate information on Triolet.
Gosh! it's much tougher that Rula made it out to be..i get nightmares at the mention of iambic, meters and strict rhyme sequence :)
Thanks again,
..
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Fri, 2016-04-22 00:51
Hello raj
Sorry I forgot to mention that I intentionally dropped the (just) to keep the rhythm. Do you think I need it ?
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Rula
Thu, 2016-04-21 10:43
Hello raj
.
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alidzain
Wed, 2016-04-20 18:22
Salam, Rula
Good one.
Alid
Rula
Thu, 2016-04-21 10:44
Salam Khalid
Thank you for reading. Appreciate the visit and the comment
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Sparrow
Wed, 2016-04-20 19:29
Rula Salaam
We are all passing through, lovely write here and twigging a memory of having to stop off someplace to write things in the shadows of the evenings.
The muses play with the shadows as people play with feelings, think on fair maiden of the sandy vista, there in the light and heat of day we will find inner peace,
Yours as always Ian..x
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
Rula
Thu, 2016-04-21 10:47
hello Ian
I am pleased to know that this piece appeals to you. I too am happy with it after the long drought.
Appreciate the kind visit!
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