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A Better Way (song for the redundant man)

Now they don’t want me, now they don’t care
might just as well go back to bed, up those wooden stairs.
They took it all away from me, everything I knew
now it’s all gone and there’s nothing I can do.
I wondered if it would happen, ever happen to me
and now that it has, the future’s hard to see.
There has to be a reason, why it’s me this time
don’t think I want to know, just want to save my mind.

Maybe there’s a better way, a better way to be
maybe it’s out there waiting, waiting there for me.
Got to try to find it, got to take the time
see if I can find a way, to make the future mine.

Life is very different now, with no place to go
some days I’m fine, others times I’m low.
My thoughts remind me, of what I left behind
on a sad and lonely day, which often comes to mind.
But I must take a look, at what’s before me now
to see if I can try, to start again somehow.
Maybe follow a dream, is something I should do
and find somewhere else to be, where I can see it through.

Maybe there’s a better way, a better way to be
maybe it’s out there waiting, waiting there for me,
Got to try to find it, got to take the time
see if I can find a way, to make the future mine.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 

Comments

thank you Shirley.
take care,
Tim

author comment

this is a good write as is. It could be much better in my ignorant opinion with some work. As an example in line 2 you could change to something like :just as well retire up that wooden stair which might help flow and rhyme. I'll be glad to PM you some other ideas if you're interested or to shut up if you're not...............It may well be that the manner in which this is written is being misread by me of course....................scribbler

Thanks for the response Scribbler. Actually, you may have a point about the line change you suggested!
take care,
Tim

author comment

I like the flow - probably sounds really good set to music. The last stanza is very positive - my brother in law was made redundant a few months ago, he got depressed ( he has a large family to look after ). But he kept looking and trying, eventually he found a job - despite the fact he's fifty two.

All round excellent song/poem

Well done

Love Mand xxxxxxx

Thanks Mand, yes you're right it would be nice to have it set to music, in fact I'd love it to be set to music!
However I'm no musician. Sorry to hear about your brother in law. I too was made redundant at 53 and managed to get another job after about 80 applications, you just have to keep hope.
Now I'm 62 and early retired which is definately 'a better way to be'. Apart from getting older of course!
many thanks,
Tim

author comment

Thank you Ian,
Tim

author comment

Timbo,

good song structure and flow. I do feel line two needs a tweak as I have set this one to music and that is the only line that fails within the tempo, just shorten it a little.

So you have two verses and one chorus. Maybe you could split the two verses up into four and build in a bridge between verse three and four.

The four lined chorus is repeated, I wonder if you could build a similar chorus to make the chorus 8 lines long but split into two. Example:

Maybe there’s a better way, a better way to be
maybe it’s out there waiting, waiting there for me.
Got to try to find it, got to take the time
see if I can find a way, to make the future mine

Maybe there's a better way, a better way to be
maybe it's out there hiding, hiding away from me
Got to try to find it, got to find the time
See if I can find a way, to make this future mine

Giving it four verses and two choruses will help it if and when it is recorded and the bridge would add something to the structure giving the whole piece a more rounded feel to it.

Anyway, I really enjoyed it my friend.

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

know what, I might just do what you say, sounds like a sound idea to me.
thanks for the advice,,
Tim

author comment
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